Maya Mazor-Hoofien/The Mossy Log
Welcome back, Otters, twinks, bears and the rest of you. We sincerely hope you enjoyed the respite from your taxing liberal arts workload of building cardboard dioramas of the Washington monument as a statement on phallic supremacy and the American landscape. While you filled your days off verbally abusing your moderate-Democrat extended family for their neofascistic sympathizing, the world did, in fact, keep spinning. Here is a brief summary of the most important news stories you may have overlooked, brought to you by The Backdoor’s ladder-laced boots-on-the-ground journalism.
Department of Homeland Security begins advertising recruitment opportunities directly in Call of Duty, Halo
After drawing criticism for Nazi-esque recruitment graphics on social media, a desperate DHS has turned to the world of online multiplayer gaming to reach the dwindling number of disgruntled young men and would-be domestic terrorists who are not yet employed by the agency. In-game advertisements include DHS-branded cosmetic gear, weapon enhancements and pop-ups embedded on all loading screens.
“We want to increase our outreach to the videography community,” said a spokesperson for the agency who, like many new recruits, struggles with basic reading and writing. “We believe persons with experiences in such technologies have the right kind of temperament for our forces, and that their experience can supplement the skill learned through our expedited training process.”
Lewis & Clark campus to be abandoned, converted into ICE detention facility
In the face of decreased enrollment, budget constraints and a nation-wide reckoning in higher education, the Board of Trustees of LC announced that the campus will be turned over to the federal government at the end of the current semester.
“When it comes down to it, we have a responsibility to the health of the college’s endowment,” said trustee Geoffrey Vanderberg. “And we decided that the best course of action is to transfer our historic 137-acre estate to the brave men protecting our streets from breathable air and cell phone photography.”
Another source close to the decision, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told a different account.
“Look, the college currently known as Lewis & Clark is not the cash cow it’s made out to be. Once we pay the landscaping bill and give the student government free reign to set their own salaries, there isn’t anything left for us to skim off the top. So we figured, what the hell, better get on the militia’s good side while we still can.”
Jerome Powell enrolls in Portland Community College Sylvania for associate’s degree in data science
Powell, facing today’s increasingly competitive labor market, told reporters Monday that he will be pursuing continued education in career development skills that are “highly sought-after by employers.”
Powell said it has been difficult to find a new position as his previous employer has not been a helpful reference on applications. When reached for comment, the employer called Powell “an incompetent thief,” saying “the only guy dumber than Jerry is whatever idiot hired him in the first place.”
Kalshi CEO Tarek Mansour found dead in New York apartment following apparent autoerotic asphyxiation incident
The 29-year-old finance/tech bro billionaire was discovered in his penthouse by business partner Luana Lopes Lara. The ballerina-turned-“Woman Billionaire” (as reported by Forbes) became concerned for Mansour when he broke their 2700-day Snapchat streak.
“He has been sending me a screenshot of his checking account every morning since we met in graduate school,” Lopes Lara said. “MIT. For the record. Is where we went to grad school.”
Lopes Lara also told me that I “should mention in the article that I’m younger and richer than Taylor Swift” if it fit the tone.
NYPD detectives declined to comment, but did release a handwritten note found at the scene which specified that autoerotic asphyxiation is “legal in all 50 states.”
The Free Press draws criticism for “both sides” review of “Surviving R. Kelly” documentary
“We at The Free Press have never shied away from uncomfortable truths,” said Bari Weiss, founder of the incendiary media company. “And the truth of the matter is that there is more than one angle to any story. As journalists, it is our sacred duty to speak truth to power and question the official narratives set forth by the political elite.”
At this point in the interview, Weiss received a phone call from a “Donny.” She excused herself from the room, but could be heard singing “Frère Jacques” gently into the phone, seemingly replacing the bar with the words “Big Man Don.” She repeated the verse for a number of minutes, gradually growing quieter. Finally, she whispered a promise to “own the libs” before hanging up and sighing deeply.
“Kids, y’know?” Weiss said.
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