Maya Mazor-Hoofien
The start of a new year is, for many, a time of growth, reflection and new beginnings. Many people see New Year’s as a reason to finally improve or reinvent themselves from the ground up, often in the form of the classic New Year’s resolution. Seeing as you are reading this in February, all hope is probably already lost, and you have once again realized that a change in digits on a made-up calendar will not magically make you start texting people back or getting up to clean your goddamn room every once in a while. For the stalwart few who still have a chance, though, The Backdoor has compiled an excellent selection of tips and techniques to really make those resolutions stick, all inspired by the beautiful backbone of our perfect American society: capitalism, baby!
1. When you are struggling to find the early-morning gym motivation and Toxic Gainz BroTok is just not doing the trick, consider laying your life’s savings on the line! With Kalshi, you too can bet real dollars from your hard-earned on-campus paycheck right from your smartphone. Choose between gambl-, I mean, predicting Superbowl results, warzone casualty statistics and how, when (or whether) you will ever beat your deadlift PR. Less stress, more debt- I mean, heft!
2. If I have learned anything from the first session of my 1-credit financial planning class, it is that having your year planned out down to the cent is the only way to guarantee happiness. Budgeting can — and should — be applied to all areas of your life, resolutions included. Even the Excel novice can break down the year to the quarter-hour and plot out when and how to achieve their goals, no matter how lofty they may seem. Remember, free time and socializing (aka Real Expenses) must always come second to self-improvement and rigid goal achievement (aka Nominal Obligations). Emergency fund be damned! Conquering your soul is priority number 1!
3. The last lesson we can take from our role models in the 1% is that which they do best: white collar crime, the fastest way to the top. After all, YOU are the CFO of your New Year’s resolutions — slicing a little off the top has never been easier! Lie. Cheat. Establish an LLC based out of the Cayman Islands called Resolution Incorporated and tell the IRS that your goals are being achieved there at never-before-seen rates, all taxed at 0%. Before you know it you will be sittin’ pretty on billions of accomplished resolutions that you achieved like any other hard-working American: with hard work and a little grit, of course.
So, humble reader, we at The Backdoor look forward to seeing the great gains you will be making with your resolutions in 2026. Who knows? Some of you may even make the prestigious Log’s 23 Under 23 list, joining the ranks of such accomplished names as Sophia Suksesse (BA ’25, achieved 6.9 billion resolutions in 2025) and Maximilian Moran (BA ’27, achieved 21 million resolutions per month in 2025). As of publishing, there are only 53 days left in Q1, so you have got to be averaging at least 19 million resolutions per day to stay on track. Easy! Get off your ass and start achieving!
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