Reallocation of SAAB funds to SQRT arouses heated controversy

With the latest reallocation of SAAB funding to other campus tutoring programs, some previously overlooked and underfunded campus resources now have the funds to better support students. However, one newly implemented resource is sparking controversy among the student body. The Sexual Quality & Release Tutoring program, known colloquially as the “SQRT,” has raised eyebrows.

The SQRT program was established this semester after several lobbyists at an ASB senate meeting contended that the campus-wide orgasm drought had gone ignored by the administration for too long. In an exclusive interview with The Backdoor, Jenny Talya ’27, who spearheaded the effort, confessed that her fierce protesting was rooted in something uncomfortably personal.

“I haven’t come due to another person in over three years. At first I thought it was because I was put on new antidepressants, but after a little testing, I still knew the way around a clit. That’s when I knew the issue ran deeper than I initially thought,” said Talya.

After setting up an encampment outside the Student Engagement office, Talya’s protests no longer fell on deaf ears. Within a few short months, the SQRT was up and running. Students can now receive tailored instruction regarding sexual dysfunctions. Talya, now the head chair of the SQRT, hopes that the program can give LC students the skills they need to reach the pinnacle of sexual pleasure.

“It’s a top-down issue,” said Talya. “I think students and faculty failed to address this problem due to stigma. I mean, it is a little embarrassing, not being able to make someone come … but that’s why we are here! Programs like ours can lead to tangible changes in campus culture.”

Yet, some prudes argue the program wastes the college’s already-limited budget. The president of the Feminist Student Union, Maxie Pad ’28, asserted that the SQRT was far from necessary.

“This is genuinely the biggest waste of money this school has ever agreed to. Well, aside from the new otter wrap on the buses,” said Pad. “None of the FSU members I’ve talked to have ever expressed difficulties in reaching climax — both for themselves and their partners. Maybe if these people came to our meetings instead of just signing up for the email list, they could learn a thing or two.”

Other student organizations decry the SQRT for a different reason. The captain of the men’s ultimate Frisbee club, Kareem O’Wheat ’27, argued that the new program was taking away crucial funding for men’s athletics.

“It just feels like a slap in the face,” said O’Wheat. “Look at the football team — They only have six assistant coaches! Bacchus needs the funding more than women with Christina piercings and vaginismus.”

In light of the backlash, a correspondent from The Backdoor was sent into the SQRT to get the insider scoop. Upon arrival, several tutors were available to assist in a multitude of issues; everything from the logistics of reverse cowgirl to anal probing. Unfortunately, more information could not be gathered, as the decoy fled the room after being presented with a “knotting” dildo.

Despite the criticism, some students have found community in the SQRT. According to Lou Bricantt ’30, the mission of the SQRT deeply resonated with her.

“When I first met Jenny, she asked me to describe my last sexual experience,” said Bricantt. “At that moment, I realized I had been blowing air on my high school boyfriend’s penis for a full semester, thinking I was giving a blow job.”

Apparently, Bricantt’s decision to attend LC hinged on the implementation of the new program.

“I didn’t realize how much my sexual inexperience hurt my community. I knew it was important to educate myself, and this was the only school that would have resources for stuff like this. The extra 40 grand a year is a small price to pay to be a better sexual partner.”

With no plans in place to roll back the decision, the program will remain active for the foreseeable future. For students interested in tutoring, the SQRT is open from Thursday to Monday, noon to 2:37 p.m. in the Akin boiler room.