Noah Lowrey/The Mossy Log
For those of the cultured, pretentious or fashionable mindset, the new year can only mean one thing: Fashion Season. On the heels of Paris Fashion Week, I, The Backdoor’s one-and-only fashion correspondent, have taken it as my duty to report on these avant-garde designs for our dowdy, unwashed readership.
Using my God-given, unparalleled powers of perception, I reach into the future and share with you, my content-starved readers, a glimpse of the ever-changing landscape of the trends and fads that 2026 will hold. This is, of course, with the hope to give you a jumpstart on your Pinteresting, online shopping, overspending, what have you.
Granted, runway fashion is but a stitch in the seam of the tapestry that may become mass style over the course of the year; you certainly will not see me wearing a feather-adorned headdress to my CORE class.
But the effect of couture on the common man is a vital aspect of the trickle-down fashion industry. As you may well know, Maryl Streep’s character Miranda Priestly puts it perfectly:
“That blue represents millions of dollars of countless jobs, and it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you’re wearing a sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room… from a pile of ‘stuff.’”
I mention this because it illustrates the sheer predictability of fashion — and the reason for writing the article you see before you. As Priestly would have us note, trends may seem comical now, but their eventuality is always predestined.
Trend #1: Dystopian, Surveillance State, Dictatorship Totalitarianismcore
Maybe the people love Atwood, Orwell and Huxley. Maybe the world’s leaders have started literally taking hints from the books (Patriot Games and all). Maybe it is simply that our country is descending into the realm of complete and unadulterated fascism, and the annals of science fiction have become fact in the worst way. Or maybe it is just Maybelline. Anyway, here is more stuff to spend money on.
I am seeing blacks. I am seeing reds. I am seeing a big white hat that covers most of your face. Those of us who can still afford clothes should make the most of it! Opulence is in. Everyone else, not that. Cover yourself up girl! Conform! No one wants to see a Katniss who is trying to be an Effie Trinket.
All in all, make sure you are wearing your best all the time, class-permitting. Big Brother is watching, unless he gets deported back to Oceania.
Trend #2: Mental Breakdown Chic
Two weeks ago, Prada debuted its Fall/Winter 2026 menswear collection, sending filthy dress-shirts down the runway. Cuffs covered in coffee stains, collars yellowed with sweat. Disgusting? No! Just realistic. It may be a $10,000 shirt, but boy is it gross. This could, in fact, be another reaction to the times. Although we are literally only a month in, 2026 already has us falling apart.
Having a bad day? So is everyone else. Why not show how bad you have it, and wear something that says to the world, “I am really going through it, so if everyone could be extra kind and maybe give me money, that would be great.”
Messy hair? Turn it up all the way. Been a week since you last showered? Throw on some sweaty clothes, because, honey, it literally does not matter. Better yet, just leave on the clothes you slept in.
Trend #3: Oops, I Spent All My Savings On Shoes
You have heard of recessioncore, but this year will see an elevation of this aesthetic. Some of us do not know how to spend responsibly. Actually, you know what, if you are reading this, you definitely do not. That being said, you are lucky. Last year, you may have spent your entire life savings, plus all your assets, on shoes. I know I did.
This year, however, is your year. You are going to take those shoes, and you are going to make them into a shirt. If that shirt rips, you turn that into a pair of corrective lenses. Yes, you read that right, resourcefulness is in. In this case, your resources consist of only shoes. That is ok, though, because those shoes are going to be a cute skirt, then some curtains, and then a full set of clothes for a family of seven motherless Austrian children. Do not worry, mom.
About the Author
Hilarious!
Hilarious, and well said!
Entertaining, and well said!