Dear Spill It,
One of my friends that I had gotten pretty close with first semester and before spring break has started ghosting me. It’s just getting weird and honestly annoying. I get that sometimes friendships don’t last, but we are still in the same group and see each other all the time, which makes it worse. I just don’t really know what to do with it.
Sincerely,
Bewildered Buddy
Dear Bewildered Buddy,
Although the romantic sphere interests me, the subject of the friend-ghoster is less talked about, and arguably more fascinating. Usually, the friend-ghoster is not as abrupt as the romantic one. It is a long, agonizing process that is gradual and drawn out — it happens slowly and steadily. Fewer hangouts turn into fewer calls, which turn into fewer texts, which snowballs into no texts at all. Hence the ghosting.
The other, less well-known fact about friend-ghosting is that often the friend does not even realize they are doing it. Ghosting a friend is usually not purposeful, whereas the opposite is true about romantic relationships. This same concept can be seen in the masterpiece of American television that is “Sex and the City,” season two, episode eight, “The Man, The Myth, The Viagra.” The episode’s titular scene begins with Big and Carrie (of course) sharing a cigarette and a bottle of wine at his apartment. He is cooking dinner, feigning domestic bliss. She is watching him, smitten as usual. Carrie’s familiar voice-over floats in, musing about myths and relationships and men. Carrie wants Big to meet her friends. He nonchalantly blows her off, saying he does, in fact, know them (I know, eye roll). “I want us all to have dinner Saturday night at Denial,” she proposes. He reluctantly agrees. Suddenly, their conversation is interrupted by a ring from the phone. It is then revealed that Carrie has stood up Miranda completely to go to Big’s apartment for dinner.
And voila, the friend-ghoster has been in the room with us the whole time.
In Carrie’s case, she does not even know that what she is doing is wrong. She does not realize that she has sidelined her best friend for dinner with a man who could not care less. I do not say this to demonize Carrie, or even convince you that she is a bad friend. I only give this as an example of how, usually, ignoring a friend is not a purposeful thing. It can happen without the friend even knowing that what they did was hurtful.
The key to this problem, like most, is to have a conversation. You will never know if the friend-ghosting is purposeful until you confront them and talk about it. And yes, I know very well that confrontation is scary, especially with people you care deeply about. But that is just the point — you care deeply about them, so you must be willing to have uncomfortable conversations with them to clear the air.
Sincerely, Noah-Knows-All
About the Author
