Kai Godsey and Zoe Dixon/The Mossy Log
I consider myself to be something of an expert in long-distance situationships, in that I have been in a total of a baker’s dozen in the past year. Based on my experience, I have cultivated a manifesto to help any anxious (and perchance non-committed) lovers struggling with how to manage their flings over the imminent four month break. Listed below are tactics I have collected from each of my relationships, distilled into their most universal truths:
First, you must absolutely NOT define your relationship. If you already have, I am deeply sorry. You can stop reading now, or skip to the last step. For those of you who have not yet done this, it is necessary to remain ambiguous. The moment you define it, you introduce expectations and accountability. Keep it vague. Keep it spiritual, as my first situationship liked to put it.
Secondly, you should communicate your emotional needs. Ideally, this is a conversation you have in person before departure. My sixth ex-something was particularly gifted in this area. I still recommend his phrasing as a model of emotional maturity and restraint:
“While you’re out fucking partying with your friends I’ll be playing fucking Pokémon ‘til my fucking fingers bleed.”
It was, in its own way, tender. What I learned from this, and what I pass on to you now, is that communication is everything. Reach back to your roots of that Discord relationship you had during quarantine, and you will do fine.
Third off, post on Instagram every. Single. Day. How do you think Gatsby bagged Daisy again after all that time? He waited for her to show up to his parties, just like you will wait for this person to view the story you post of that $12 matcha that could imply you were out on a coffee date or doing something else more interesting, but in reality, you were with your mom running errands because you still share the car with her and need it to go buy a new GEEK BAR later. The green “active” dot by your crush’s profile picture is Daisy’s green light across the water. If they do not view the story, fret not, my child. This means they are OBSESSED with you and just playing into the game. Post again the next day. Or just keep reposting those #ihatemybf reels. Both have the same effect.
Step four: only call them when you are black-out drunk. When you are heavily intoxicated, it is scientifically proven that you are at utmost ease. This is, therefore, the ideal time to talk. Drunk calls allow you to cover a wide range of emotional ground very efficiently: you can confess your feelings, start an argument, forget why you called and hang up mid-sentence, all within a three-minute window. It keeps them guessing. The next morning, you are granted the invaluable gift of deniability. Anything you said can be dismissed as “i was drunk asf lol.”
A variant of this method is the prank call. Use this when you have been ghosted (perchance blocked), as calling from another phone allows you to re-enter their life as a completely different person, which is the closest you will get to a fresh start. After doing this, text them on your own phone about the aforementioned call so they know it was you who was hilariously coming up with these ideas. This will make you seem really cool, funny and sexy.
Fifth, do not allow them to hang out with anyone of the gender they are attracted to. Even if the relationship does not yet exist, boundaries must be set. You do not need to say it directly, because it is more of an atmospheric rule. Sigh deeply when they mention names. Call them while they are hanging out with their friends and ask them to list out loud the names of everyone in the room. The goal is not control, but for them to feel guilty for living a normal life without you ever having to admit why.
Finally: cheat. Do this only when the relationship has been made official, as otherwise there is technically nothing to ruin which defeats the entire purpose. To my last ex, doing this brought immense clarity to our own relationship: he found God at his Hinge date’s house, I suppose. God apparently said the long distance was destined to fail, and who is he to argue with His wisdom? In this sense, cheating is more of a revelation. And what is a situationship if not a test of belief, right? Of course, this step does tend to end relationships, but in all fairness, so does time. This way, you at least get some closure.
All this goes to say that, bud, it is not going to work out. Return next issue for a foolproof guide on how to get over a situationship using methods like public crashouts, excessive drinking and writing articles about them.
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