Maya Mazor-Hoofien/The Mossy Log
In light of recent events about [REDACTED] and their connection to [REDACTED], I, a sophomore English major, have decided to perform extensive research on all of my professors’ backgrounds, lest any unsavory ties be found. Some may call it “stalking,” but I rather prefer the term “boots on the ground journalism.” What I discovered has truly shocked me.
While conducting research on [REDACTED], I accidentally stumbled upon his Goodreads account. Right off the bat, this is deeply unsettling, not just because of the app’s ties to Amaz*n, but also because anyone in their right mind would not trust an application with a deeply troubled user interface practically begging for a software update. Big red flag.
[REDACTED]’s reviews are truly frightening — they are short, but pack a scary punch. The people deserve the truth, so I have chosen to share my findings below:
“Haunting Adeline” by H. D. Carlton — 3 stars
“I loved the intricacies of these flawed characters. Very dynamic. I’ve reduced two stars for respective reasons: 1) Carlton was a tad too dialed into the blood cabal of it all, and 2) I wanted more gun play.”
“Norton Anthology of English Literature, Ninth Edition, Volume B” — 1 star
“DNF at pp. 37. Snoozefest. Students hated it.”
“Icebreaker” by Hannah Grace — 5 stars
“Horny! I quite liked this one… sometimes I wish my partner was sexy and nimble like a figure skater :(”
“This Hoe Got Roaches In Her Crib” by Quan Millz — 4 stars
“The linguistics in this novel are truly intriguing. My daughter gave me this in my stocking last Christmas as a ‘gag’ gift? The only thing I ‘gagged’ about in this novel is the fact that it’s too short.”
“Devotions: The Selected Poems of Mary Oliver” — 1 star
“Lazy! I don’t like this out of pure spite for the archetype of female students on campus who post notes-app ‘poetry’ on their Instagram stories with a backdrop of a baby deer.”
“The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho — 2 stars
“Vague! This felt less like a novel and more like a Linkedin post someone’s uncle would share about ‘following your dreams’ after getting laid off from middle management. Docking three stars for excessive sand.”
“The Very Hungry Caterpillar” by Eric Carle — 5 stars
“Finally, a protagonist with ambition. Frankly, more of my students could learn from this mindset. I, too, have eaten through several questionable items in a single sitting and came out stronger.”
Soon after I made this discovery, I sent an email to President Sparrow Houses-Gilbert informing her of these atrocious reviews. I was hoping for [REDACTED]’s tenure to be halted, but it was sent straight to Community Accountability and Conflict Education. CACE encouraged a mediated sit-down talk between us two, and I may have “illegally” recorded our conversation.
What followed the mediation can only be described as deeply chilling. [REDACTED] entered the room with a tote bag that read “Well-Read and Emotionally Unavailable,” which I initially thought was ironic, but I now understand was more of a warning. He began by thanking me for “my engagement with his intellectual property,” which I found to be equal parts patronizing and legally ambiguous.
At one point, I asked him very directly: “Do you stand behind your review of Mary Oliver’s collection? Don’t you think it’s a little creepy to publicly admit you stalk female students on a burner account?”
He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I stand by it more than anything else in my life. God forbid a man keeps tabs on his students!” Silence filled the room. Even the CACE mediator, who up until then had been aggressively nodding and jotting down notes on a yellow legal pad, paused. This is a man who assigns 12-page papers with Chicago citations and yet places his deepest convictions in Goodreads, for Chrissakes.
I will admit, there was a moment (brief, but undeniable) where I questioned myself. Was I the one in the wrong? Had I crossed a line? But then he mentioned, unprompted, that he was “considering getting into Letterboxd next,” and any sympathy I had immediately evaporated.
The meeting concluded with what I can only assume was meant to be a compromise: I would “cease my investigations,” and he would “consider expanding his Goodreads reviews to a more respectable length.” Quite frankly, I find this grossly insufficient. The issue here is not word count, it is moral integrity.
In the days since, I have taken additional precautions. I have begun cross-referencing Rate My Professors pages, Venmo transactions, and, when necessary, Spotify playlists. You can tell a lot about a person from their “On Repeat.” Too much, perhaps.
Some may say I have gone too far, that my invocation of “boots on the ground journalism” is insensitive, even that I have “lost the plot.” But to them I ask: if not me, then who? If not now, then when? Someone needs to speak truth to power. And if a professor can give “Haunting Adeline” four stars without irony, what else are they capable of? I, for one, intend to find out.
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