Rejected mascots speak out, drag River Otter

From Feb. 16-20, Lewis & Clark celebrated River Otter Week, during which several events were hosted to celebrate the inauguration of the new mascot. While most college reporters would be basic and ask students, faculty and alumni for their thoughts on the new mascot, I am no common correspondent writing a puff piece for the administration’s agenda. I am a real-deal investigative journalist! I want to get my boots on the ground and give a voice to the creatures whose perspectives have been truly underrepresented at LC. So, on Feb. 21, I broke into the homes of the seven other mascot finalists the community voted on and asked them one simple question:

“What do you really think about the River Otter?”

Riverhawk (Second Place, aka First Loser): “I hold no animosity toward the River Otter, we’re actually close friends. We go fishing every weekend. Even when we were facing off against each other during the election, we had each other’s backs. I mean, I am a tiny bit disappointed that I didn’t win. And I’m a bit surprised she was so cheap as to use AI to celebrate her victory. I wouldn’t do that. Guess no amount of funding can buy good taste. But you know, besides that, she’s bubbly, resistant, confident… almost to a fault. I am very happy that she was lucky enough to win, I know she really needed it.”

Cascade (Third Place): “Are you kidding me? I want that bitch skinned and turned into a coat. I want her tied to train tracks and crushed by tens of tons worth of public transportation over and over again until there’s nothing left but the stink of decomposing Lontra. That’s what she deserves. I worked so damn hard during that election. I spent thousands on outside consultants to develop my brand identity because let me tell you, it’s an uphill battle to convince people it’s not lame as hell to have a particular mountain range as a mascot. Like 90% of my savings are just gone now, spent on designing my mascot suit, a cool logo and crucial brand assets that never got used! All my work has all gone up in smoke because of the River Otter. Luckily, I’ve still got some money left, and every last penny will be going toward suing this disrespectful, tasteless institution. In a couple of weeks, I expect this publication to report on my ongoing lawsuit, which I know I’m winning because she probably cheated. She’s likely a nepo baby. Definitely related to somebody at the college. I know it sounds ridiculous to propose a human could somehow birth an otter, but me losing proves anything’s possible. Hope she’s roadkill soon.”

Lynx (Fourth Place): “Something even fishier than her diet revealed itself to me last night when I was high off catnip. Take the initials to River Otter. R.O. Seems normal enough, right? But, let’s erase part of the O, and see what we get. Look at what it says now. R.C. What does that spell? Reed College! They’ve set everything up. Reed rigged the mascot election, they used bot votes and bought votes to get the college stuck with a super lame mascot. Now nobody’s gonna apply to this school, it’s gonna go broke and they’ll win the rivalry. It’s all a ploy, I’m telling you. I bet it goes deeper too. I bet she’s got a wire in that long tail, spying on us 24/7, 365. She could be burrowing under these floors as we speak. Do otters burrow? I urge The Backdoor to investigate that and any other suspicious activity of hers. She’s a fraud, a fed and must be exposed.”

Heron (Fifth Place): (Wasn’t in. Still at winter home down south.)

Timberwolf (Sixth Place): “I don’t think of the River Otter at all, dude. What I do think about is how I lost. I’m just so popular as a mascot choice. Okay, there are more popular mascots than me. But do you really think this college is gonna vote for a bald eagle or an offensive depiction of a Native American? Let’s be real here. After most of the options were ruled out, I was the obvious choice, but these Non-Athletic Regular Pussies couldn’t handle this masculinity. I’m 165 pounds of pure muscle and carnivore power, you get that from one look at me.* But like, whatever man. They can have that bitch. I’m already in the big leagues. I’m the mascot for an NBA team, and they’re pretty good this season. The River Otter can’t say that. No team, and if she had one, they’d probably be garbage. Call me back when the Seattle River Otters make the playoffs.”

*This is a very average weight for a male Canis lupus occidentalis.

Mammoth (Seventh Place): “I think she is likely to be some kind of homosexual, which is why she got the position. Now, I am not gay myself, but I am supportive of her and her supporters’ right to choose that lifestyle. My gay friend Mike tells me that many homosexuals identify with otters — something to do with the wide tail I imagine. Considering the amount of demographics of this college, her sexuality must have made her a popular selection. Which I suppose is fine, the gays have had it rough in sports. They need their iconic divas or whatever they say. Good for her.”

Pronghorn (Eighth Place): “Let’s be honest, the people reading this interview forgot I was even a choice. I only got 5% of the vote. Nobody gives a fuck about me. Nobody loves me. Please just put me out of the misery that bitch put me in. I’ve been trying to put myself out there and attract the does but none of them want me now. They’re all shallow idiots who are just looking for larger horns. Last week I tried to chat up a doe and she just said “ew” as I came near her. And now there’s a whole week dedicated to the rodent that beat me. I guess I’ll just keep being miserable and lonely. Fuck that bitch, and fuck my stupid not-even-a-real-deer life. I’m athletic too! I’m the fastest land mammal in the Americas! But I guess that doesn’t matter. Back to doing nothing but sitting in my room jerking off and rewatching The Sopranos. I might even mix it up and do both at the same time.”