Vivian Kalla/The Mossy Log
In a thrilling development for the reputation of the college, Lewis & Clark student Caroline Stocking ’28 was officially declared the Rookie Lonely Lesbian of the Year of 2025 by the National Lesbian Association (NLA) in a landslide vote. After developing an all-consuming crush on a campus woman with whom she has never interacted, the sophomore realized early this year that she was probably gay. She soon registered as a member of the NLA and became a strong candidate for Lonely Lesbian, a highly competitive award that highlights freshly-out sapphics who struggle socially. The judges in the NLA voted unanimously for Stocking, making her the first LC student to win the award in over 15 years.
The judges claimed that it was Stocking’s exceptional performance this year that set her apart from the other contenders. This year, Stocking refused over 90% of the invitations to social events she received and had an impressive average conversation time at a brisk 2.3 minutes. She also has record-low stats when it comes to relationships. This year, she only had 2 friendships and 0.2 homoerotic situationships. Past winners obviously had pitiful stats when it came to all of these, but Stocking’s inability is somewhat unprecedented, especially as she operates in a space as unabashedly fruity as LC.
“Caroline’s track record is insane. If I spent all the time she did cooped up in our dorm watching ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ and feeling sorry for myself, I’d feel entitled to an award too,” Stocking’s roommate Laura Park ’28 said.
After weeks of pestering, Stocking reluctantly agreed to be interviewed by The Backdoor. While she sketched a portrait of a girl in her chemistry lab that she found “earth-shatteringly hot” but never spoke to, we discussed what she believes to be the key factor in winning this award: her upbringing.
“I think some people are surprised that you can be as lonely as I am when you’re somewhere as accepting as LC. But when you come from a conservative family, it makes feeling secure in your identity harder,” Stocking said, her gaze drifting to the framed “But I’m a Cheerleader” poster hanging above her bed.
She described how growing up, queerness was often hidden from her.
“My mother was, let’s call it, a cautious homophobe. She made sure I didn’t watch or read anything with gay stuff in it. Or even stuff that she thought was too close to that. She wouldn’t even let me watch ‘The Matrix.’ Keanu Reeves isn’t even queer in that movie! He just wears tight clothes. She only had me watch really old straight movies like ‘Rebel Without a Cause.’ So yeah, I’ve been disconnected from queer culture for a long time,” Stocking said.
After hearing this, I tested her level of disconnect. I rattled off a laundry list of lesbian media classics and asked if she had heard of them. She said no to every single one and started to frown the longer the list went on. In hindsight, comments from me like, “There’s no way you haven’t heard the song ‘Fast Car.’ You’re lying, there’s NO WAY, oh my GOD,” did not help.
She claimed that being raised with this total lack of queer education in her formative years is what makes her so hesitant to be social, and what puts those numbers on the board as a proud River Otter.
“When you don’t know anything about being queer, it’s hard to put yourself out there like that. People start talking about meeting some ‘anti-giver satin sheet pillow queen’ or ‘happy trail stone butch strap god’ and I start to internally panic. God-forbid they invite me to pregame the Big Thief concert by slamming Coors Banquets by the light of the full moon and discussing our ninth house stelliums and quasi-ethical
semi-veganism — I only know what half of those words even mean! Needless to say, I can’t last 10 minutes before ducking out of a conversation and regretting I ever left the dorm,” Stocking said.
After she told me this, I chuckled and told her that actually, she had been talking to me for 15 minutes for this interview. So one of her statements was technically incorrect. She loudly groaned, put her head in her hands, and then mumbled something about “beginning to regret it.”
When asked if she was proud of the award, Stocking had mixed feelings.
“Are you kidding me?! Why the hell would I be proud of myself for being so socially incompetent I get an award for it?!?”
I pointed out that she had at least gotten a prestigious certificate, which I had the honor of personally delivering to her. I handed her the certificate, which bore the NLA’s resplendent logo but had text written only in Comic Sans. She did not appreciate this gift.
In spite of her general discomfort with this whole situation, I believe that Stocking will go down as an LC legend for bringing home a win for the school in the only Division I league we play in. Go River Otters!
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