Vivian Kalla/The Mossy Log
As the military unrest in Portland enters its fifth week, President Donald Trump has ordered the National Guard to step in to restore order to this “war-ravaged” city. What started as a friendly debate between vegans on the ethics of thrifted real leather Doc Martens has spread to other Portland groups. Will Trump finally put an end to the conflict between normal cyclists and those who use e-bikes? Will he visit Portland and have his shit rocked by the amount of caffeine in a single Dutch Bros coffee? Only time will tell. While journalists and civilians alike nervously anticipate the fallout of the presence of federal troops, here is an overview of recent war events.
The Portland Inflatable Suit Revolutionaries (PISR) are grappling with the death of prominent activist Pablo Frog. Frog was popped by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents. Frog was known for leading the PISR in the war against the Furry Unified Resistance (FUR); he was a staunch believer in amphibian and reptilian superiority. Members of PISR recall him as being a smooth talker and very slick.
In the wake of the loss of the de facto rebellion leader, the radicalists are struggling to show a united front against Trump’s claims as the National Guard arrives in Portland. Tensions are rising amongst the group as PISR tries to find a new leader to guide them against this challenge.
PISR General Juan Toad, a candidate for PISR leadership, addressed the rebels in a speech on Monday.
“Our dearest leader, my brother, has been killed; we don’t have time for infighting. We must avenge him,” Toad said to a crowd of mourning inflatable reptiles. The tears streaming down their faces pooled in the bottom of their suits, giving many members soggy socks.
PISR is the foundation of the revolt here in Portland; only time will tell the effect of this major loss. All we know is that tensions between PISR and the FUR have subsided for the time being as Trump’s troops move into Portland.
National Guard troops have been spotted in Irvington and seem to be gaining ground for local ICE officers. Powell’s Books has been converted into an emergency hospital, due to increasing casualties. At the request of FUR’s Beta Battalion, a veterinary wing has been added to treat their troopawers. Many chains and tails adorn the streets in remembrance of fallen furry littermates.
The resistance scored a major victory last week against federal forces when the guerilla combatants of Climbers Against Racism, Authoritarianism, Bigotry, Incels, Nepotism, Expenses and Rent (CARABINER) successfully infiltrated an ICE base located in an abandoned brewery in East Portland. The group scaled the walls of the building and used their climbing chalk as a smoke screen. Several U.S. Army documents containing vital information about future endeavors in Portland and Chicago were apprehended. The documents also detail the preferred hot dog toppings of the U.S. National Guard Lieutenants — they do not like poppyseed buns or pickles.
The Portland Polycules (PPs) have been hard at work boosting morale across different rebel factions. Each polycule has a designated blue-haired barista tasked with making oat milk lattes and dirty chais. CARABINER leaders have observed a significant decrease in climbing times thanks to the thorough caffeination.
“The latte art swans make me feel more empowered and seen,” said Polly Kyoreas, a PPs recruit struggling to fit in with the polyamorous lifestyle.
FUR has been trying to recruit civilians into the fight by performing tricks and being all-around good boys and girls. The PPs are also actively seeking new members. Tryon Creek has been overrun with polycule members on recruitment first dates. Matcha supplies are at an all-time low as PP members swarm cafes in search of potential new partners. National Guard numbers have been decreasing as many have been tempted by the polycules.
“A couple of them came up to me at the protest. They said they saw me from across the barrier and really digged my vibe. The rest is history, I guess. I’m really enjoying drinking IPAs and logging my morning jog to my work in Strava,” stated a former National Guard member who requested to remain anonymous.
In a protectionist move, various Portland factions have agreed to a ban on house shows to protect their members and affiliates from raids. This decision has been met with outrage as house shows are a staple of many of the young rebels’ lives.
“My house feels so empty without a bunch of strangers in it,” said Rock Anrole, the bassist of Cream Pudge, a small Portland screamo band.
This is not the end of controversies, as PISR, FUR and CARABINER have banned smoking and vaping to increase athleticism in their troops and decrease hacking and wheezing.
FUR Lieutenant Luna had this to say: “My battalion’s cover was almost blown because of sompawdy coughing after hitting their cart. I know it’s an unpopular decision, but we can’t be that careless anymore :3”
Though the war rages on, both sides still hold out hope for a swift victory. Concerns have been raised that if the fighting continues through the winter, it may affect the 4/20 celebrations in the spring. However, statements from all sides indicate that if that were to happen, they would follow the lead of the 1914 Christmas truce and momentarily pause the fighting to share a joint and a boba at Portal Tea in Sellwood.
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