Bertie Mahoney/The Mossy Log
As the semester progresses, settling in to living with roommates has mostly been going well — at least, you thought it was going well. The thousands of photos of their boyfriend back home that plaster the wall were cute at first, but after so many nights where his ugly mug is the last thing you see before drifting off into a restless slumber on your glorified yoga mat of a “mattress,” this whole communal living thing is starting to get old.
When were those dishes last washed, anyway? How many cups can one person possibly have? The days of clean desks and evenly-distributed chores are over. Sure, you could request to change rooms… but who knows how much worse the next roommate might be? Besides, how nice would it be to sleep on two concrete slabs instead of just one?
Fear not: We at The Backdoor have compiled three tried-and-true methods to drive out your vile roommate and secure the dingle life for yourself once and for all!
The Homebody:
The key to this method is your mindset: This is your room as much as it is theirs, and hanging out with your friends will be much more fun once you have the place to yourself! The tactic: set up camp. The only reason you should leave your room is for periodic Bon trips (try to stock up on Eco-Containers full of stir-fry you probably will never eat to minimize this errand), speedy bathroom visits and maybe to go to a class or two. If you are a freshman or sophomore, that last one is optional anyway — college is all about social life. Going to class is a senior-year problem!
With your new and improved dingle, cool people will be frothing at the mouth to hang out, sleep over and compliment the many posters you dropped a pretty penny on at the Poster Invasion Fair. Your poser of a roommate will be ripping down their ugly boyfriend photos and begging to sleep on their friends’ floors by the end of the week, we pinky-promise!
The Bestie For The Restie:
Really want this slob to leave and never come back? Reverse psychology is your friend. Stalk their Instagram, befriend their friends, flood their email with Google Calendar invites to hang out. Learn the intricacies of their life and then get inside their head. With enough kind questions about the health of their ailing grandmother whose Facebook Messenger DMs you have been slowly sliding into, the weirdo who deigns to call themself your roommate will start packing their bags before you can even make a dent in seducing their dad. Plus, now you have insider access to Nana’s secret casserole recipe. Score.
The Edward Cullen:
This tactic is by far the riskiest, but also promises fast, effective results. With everyone else, you can act the exact same; but when darkness sets in and the moon brings out the pasty glow of your smooth, marblesque skin, let your true form take hold. Do not hold back. Stand over their bed at night and seemingly disappear when they turn on the lights. Appear to go missing for days at a time. Make a show out of wiping blood off of your chin. Take time to stare hungrily at their veins. Maybe even abduct them for a piggyback sprint through Tryon. (I know what you are.) That stupid lamb will be knocking on Campus Living’s door before you even pitch the idea of a sexy moonlit baseball game with your so-called “family.” (Say it…)
We at The Backdoor hope that these methods help send your roommates packing without causing all that much lasting psychological damage. For questions, concerns or reports of success, please contact our legal team at the Office of General Counsel in Frank Manor House. Finally, remember: You either die the better roommate, or live long enough to become the slob. Go do your dishes now before it is too late.
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