Rose Bialk/The Mossy Log
Dear Spill It,
I am genuinely struggling with how I cannot stop thinking about my ex. He was horrible for me in more ways than I could possibly describe, but in simple terms, he was a manipulative gaslighting, performative male. I dumped him back in May, and at the time CELEBRATED finally getting out. Now, months later with no prospects, I can’t stop thinking about the good parts of the relationship. Even though I’m fully aware of how horrible he was, I can’t help but only remember the fun times. How do I get out of this rut?!
From,
Ex-Fixated Freshman
Dear Ex-Fixated Freshman,
Well, it seems as though the ever-present “manipulative gaslighting, performative male” has made an appearance in your life too. Everybody is thinking about his archetype nowadays, which is perhaps the goal of his enthralling manipulation. Why? The truth of the matter is, no matter how horrible a person is, no matter how much we celebrate the end, moving to a new place with new people and new discomforts can have us all craving the normalcy of past relationships.
We have all heard of the honeymoon phase. I argue that the end of a relationship, much like the beginning of one, has a honeymoon phase. Honeymoon, however, is the wrong word, as romanticization and idealization are instead replaced with resentment and realism. During this resentment-moon phase, we are almost always hyper-aware of our ex’s faults. Maybe due to the recency of events, or the lingering emotions, we remember every way a person wronged us and exactly the reasons why we left. It is easy to forget about the good parts.
Now, months later, you are thinking about every reason why you got together in the first place. Why is it not the other way around? We should miss someone the most right after leaving them, not months later, right? The truth is, the resentment-moon phase has passed, and distancing yourself from the place you were in when you broke up with him, along with the overwhelming aspects of being at a new school, creates the perfect recipe for fixation.
My advice to you is to try to find comfort in something from home that is not your horrible ex. Missing home can be much easier to deal with when it is filtered through a relationship. Shockingly, though, that is not the only thing to miss. You could miss your bed that is not five-feet away from someone else, home-cooked food that is not from the Bon, the relatively easy high school workload or perhaps the simple fact that you are not in your hometown anymore.
There are quite a few things you can miss the normalcy of, even though it is completely normal to be fixated on the fun times of a relationship that was obviously unhealthy. Fixation, however, can be subverted elsewhere. A home-cooked meal could never gaslight you, after all.
Sincerely, Noah-Knows-All
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