Fay Seifari/The Mossy Log
Dear Lewis & Clark community,
I come to you today as a whistleblower for this rotten mascot operation. Call me Snowden, call me Deep Throat, but do not call me depressed. I have a loving wife and several bisexual neurodivergent cats at home.
As you all know, LC’s semibiannual Board of Trustees meetings are where board members answer the community’s most burning questions. Questions submitted by students like you, such as:
“If I’m on my roommate’s bed, about to bang a chick down and dirty, do I recognize him or the Native Americans first in my land acknowledgment?”
It was at this meeting that LC’s mascots, the Pioneers and their Newfoundland figurehead (obtuse reminders of colonization, which we would all rather forget) were finally ousted. Sorry kids, that dog had to go. Farm upstate, behind the shed, who cares? Good riddance! Eight new contenders now run in this imperative race, the very future of the college hanging in the balance.
This is why I write to you today, to inform the public that these new mascots are frauds, even worse than the last! Having compiled stolen council documents and moderate internet research, I humbly present the truth the administration is hiding from you.
Mammoths
“I’d feel bloated,” responded a female student when asked how she would feel being called a mammoth. How patriarchal. The male gaze is sooo Middle Pleistocene.
River Otters
Necrophiliacs. Seriously. Look it up.
Pronghorns
From a meeting transcript: “Oh, I love the Texas Longhorns!” “Um, actually, it’ll be the PRONGhorns. When William Clark first came to Oregon, he met one of these majestic creatures … then shot it.”
The Cascades
Again, stolen land. “Go Casades”? Egregious. I offer an alternative chant for your consideration:
“Go Cascades! (We respect and acknowledge that the land of the Cascade mountain range has been stewarded by Native tribes for millennia before becoming our mascot, and we dedicate ourselves to continual stewardship of the land and restorative justice efforts benefitting those from whom the land was stolen) Ho hey!” Better, but hard to memorize.
Herons, Lynxes, Riverhawks and Timberwolves
The indiscretions. The impropriety. The horrors I have seen. Far too disturbing to publish, even in this B-rate fish wrap scandal sheet.
Given the glaring issues with the current candidates, I present an alternative: Moss. This honors the rich biodiversity of Oregon’s native plant life. It also pays homage to the native plant-loving nonbinary persons who take on this moniker. But is it enough?
“Why change just the mascot?” you may be asking. “This whole school is named after something worse. Ol’ Meriwether and William were fascistic, colonizing closet cases and we should purge any vestige of their memory!”
Well, consider the concept of the BRAND. LC needs one to make MONEY, understand? It needs a name people can remember and make a check out to. If you think being $2.6 million deeper in the hole is bad, just wait. You will be reusing those plastic Bon forks and hanging your stocking by the fire like the real pioneers.
This has been a warning from a concerned member of your school’s shadowy council. Research before casting that ballot. Question every candidate, no matter how cute, or fluffy, or supposedly decolonized they seem to be. Stay safe in this tumultuous time, future Moss, and remember: when taking a FaceTime downstairs, the order is tribal recognition, then roommate acknowledgment (see your Roommate Agreement for special exceptions).
Again, and I cannot stress this enough, I am NOT depressed.
Signed,
Your Concerned Ex-Councilman
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