As I was walking to class in my semi-ordained liberal arts uniform consisting of an overpriced, “thrifted” sweater and an iced lavender oat latte, I got a phone call from my perfectly well-meaning (albeit slightly overbearing) mother, who wanted to know how my first weekend on campus was going.
“Do anything fun this weekend?” she asked.
A collection of images came to mind: the red Solo cups, the drunk walk there, the drunker walk home and, of course, the classic paradox of desperately wanting to leave while also not wanting to miss out. Together, the scene can only mean one thing — the college party. God knows my mother did these same things, although I cannot bring myself to tell her that I am following the same path — not only would she die of an anxiety attack, she would be dreadfully disappointed to see that her son inherited the lightweight gene from his father. The path in question, might I add, is party hard in high school, harder in college and law school after the ol’ prefrontal cortex is developed, just to make life easier. All this to say, I am not entirely sure what she is worried about.
Conundrums like these are all too common for college students — wanting to let a loved one in on what you are doing (a.k.a making them think you are not a friendless loser) without fully exposing yourself, sometimes literally (if you know, you know, and you should probably get tested).
This article, with three easy tips, can help any student “reframe the narrative” and put what you did last weekend into digestible terms that the elders in our lives can understand. In other words, how can we sound normal and safe enough to prevent our parents from flying in to sleep on the floor of our quad?
Tip 1: Academic Workload
A good rule of thumb when talking to parents about what you are up to at school is, well, to talk about school.
On a Friday night, you might find yourself bored, stir-crazy and avoiding another night-in at all costs. You open Yik Yak and read the anonymous discourse to find something — by God, anything — to do. When asked about last night’s activities, go with the academic route. “Late-night research into special interests” is nearly foolproof, especially if you can mention a topic that is too boring to spur follow-up questions. You could go farther, saying it was a deep-dive into something that intrigued you from a lecture, or perhaps, just because you “wanted something to do.” That one is particularly good because, despite falsely implying that you are ahead on your studies, it is technically true!
Tip 2: Health and Wellness
Another way to assure your parents while also including them in your life, is to let them know that you are taking care of yourself.
On the Sunday afternoon phone call with mom, you may be asked about your morning. For many of us, the only a.m. endeavors to speak of began and ended with an unfortunate 2 a.m. run-in with Campo. Or, I should say, run-away from Campo, as they dutifully chased you away from the gazebo, losing your trail when you dove into a rose bush. Try this out:
“My morning was lovely. I took an early morning run to get some exercise and start the day off productively.”
All things true, all things good. Omission can work in your favor.
Tip 3: Meaningful Relationships
Finally, and most importantly, your parents want to know that you are meeting new people at college. Slinking back to of your dorm each night after a dissappointing encounter with a quasi-stranger? How about “sharing deep thoughts and feelings with a new friend?” Sounds plenty plausible to me.
Did you “stumble” into some furniture and “happen” to “accidentally” break a beloved family heirloom (shockingly expensive hand-made bong) at a Frisbee party? Fear not! You may have to suffer reparations, (roll up those sleeves and get to the Platteau ceramic studio!) but your Dad need not know. To him, you were social networking with peers from your classes. You even helped them renovate their new home. Look at you, making connections with upperclassmen. Hello, new mentor!
If you follow these tips closely, your doting parents will never have to be burdened with the knowledge of the debauchery and destruction you have left in your wake over these first few weeks of the school year. Hell, if you get really good, you could make it to graduation with them still thinking of you as an adorable loser virgin, every parent’s dream.
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