Dear Spill It,
I have recently come to a very startling revelation: I am a “lover girl.” I catch feelings fast, and hard. I like to think that I can do “casual,” but I have never been successful. I cannot do romance — dates, sex or just intellectual connection — without getting attached. I go from 0-60 incredibly fast, which can often look like obsession. Is something wrong with me? How can I date better?
From,
Anxiously Attached Admirer
Dear Anxiously Attached Admirer,
I begin this column with a statement that I have repeated again and again. Nothing is wrong with you, and no, there is no concrete way to “date better.” I cannot help you with that. What I can do is help you understand yourself, recognize your patterns and learn to work with them, instead of against them.
In the case of the “lover girl,” I turn to the sacred text that is season two of “Sex and the City.” In one episode, Carrie and her friends diagnose Charlotte’s “pattern”: she waits for a perfect man to ask her on a perfect date, projects an enormous fantasy onto him and sets expectations that promptly collapse. The advice that the girls give Charlotte — to “juggle,” also known as dating a few guys at once — is possibly helpful for the easily attached, but it does not get to the root cause of the issue. “Juggling” may help you stay surface-level with each person you juggle, but it does not stop the attachment once it takes hold. My argument is that you do not need to stop it at all.
In a culture where it can feel like casual relationships are in, short-term satisfaction becomes the main goal of romance. Although getting attached immediately can lead to obsession, avoiding attachment altogether has its own costs. I think many of our peers, partly because of our age and culture, choose the casual route, rather than prioritizing what actually matters — love.
In this sense, the instinct to become attached is not the problem. The problem is its easy slide into obsession.
Keeping distance is important. Although you may want to talk to or see someone every day, or all the time, that is not possible, nor is it healthy. Keeping time and space for yourself is extremely important. This does not just mean physical space, either. I find it to be more important to keep mental space from the person you are seeing. This might mean journaling about your day, hanging out with friends or even doing homework. The goal is to distract yourself from the tendency to obsess. Keeping some distance is not about suppressing attachment, it is about keeping it from taking over.
It is not a problem to be a “lover girl.” In fact, it may come in handy more often than not. But it is finding the balance between connection and obsession that creates healthy relationships.
Sincerely, Noah-Knows-All
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