Vivian Kalla / The Mossy
While many know fall as the precursor to seasonal depression, it is also a time of warm, cozy foods. Portland is full of delicious restaurants, cafes, food carts and even the occasional pop-up. According to several influencers, I need to “run, don’t walk” to try out these seasonal sensations. I will be the judge of whether they are worth your time.
Café Seis Siete: Extra dirty candy corn ube s’mores banana bread matcha latte with man milk
This popular study spot in the Sellwood neighborhood recently debuted their fall specialty drink: the extra dirty candy corn ube s’mores banana bread matcha latte with ethically sourced man milk. Not wanting to burden their customers with an overload of seasonal lattes, the cafe decided to combine them all into one for a titillating drinking experience. I opted for the iced version, since I prefer my pumpkin spice lattes freezing.
The creation the barista handed me was unlike anything I had ever seen before. The compostable plastic cup featured a thick swirl of colors that seemed to emit a faint glow. As soon as the first drop hit my tongue, my taste buds seemed to recoil in disgust, perhaps an evolutionary response. Despite my instincts, I took another sip to focus on the flavor profile. I was bombarded by notes of Banana Laffy Taffy, burnt hair and sawdust. Immediately, I felt an overwhelming sense of nausea. Thankfully, I was able to make it outside before I threw up the rest of the latte into a bush, which instantly shriveled up.
Caked Up: Deconstructed Cake
Post-latte, I needed a palate cleanser. Luckily, according to Eat It magazine, the downtown bakery pop-up Caked Up was described as a “metaphysical purification.” Following the virality of the “deconstructed latte” trend, they simply pour all the ingredients for a cake into your mouth. According to Caked Up’s Instagram, all proceeds will go to help preteens in Lebanon, Oregon, struggling with their nonbinary identity.
As I approached the Caked Up shop, a horde of influencers gathered outside with tripods to film their experience, a cacophony of “come with me” rising above the crowd. I had to wait in line for about 30 minutes, giving me time to question if I wanted to spend $37 plus tip on a mouthful of ingredients, but I thought about the young enbies in Lebanon, Oregon and decided it was for a good cause.
When I finally reached the front of the line, a chipper employee gave me a choice between pumpkin spice delight and apple surprise. Leaning into the Halloween spirit, I went with pumpkin.
I opened as wide as I could and felt the first few dry pieces of flour hit my tongue. At this point, I was ready to quit, but then came the crack of the egg. As soon as the cold, slimy texture reached my lips, I knew it was over. I tried to swallow, but I could not help but cough, sending a spray of flour, sugar and egg bits over the employees. The swarming influencers quickly pointed their cameras at me, documenting my embarrassment for the whole world to see. The “baker” gave me a disgusted look and said something about a “surcharge of $15.” I simply dropped my whole wallet on the counter, hoping I had enough and fled as quickly as I could.
Ross Island: Wild Soup
Despite my most humiliating moment just being broadcast to the whole world, I still had one more place to check out. I was also quite hungry since I had failed to keep down any of the previous establishments’ dishes.
Ross Island is technically only accessible through volunteer work, but a group of covert chefs has set up shop on the island, serving their iconic wild soup made from only locally foraged ingredients. Part of the venue’s allure is how difficult it is to access without the proper transportation. I was able to find an old piece of wood to use as a raft, and after a few hours of paddling with a tree branch, I made it to the rocky shore.
I wandered around for a bit until I found a table made out of bicycle parts and cardboard. A few minutes later, a young fellow with shaggy long hair and no shoes came out with a steaming bowl of dubious stew. When I asked what was in it, he said, “bald eagle, assorted litter and ash bark in a gravel-flavored broth.” Before I could raise my concerns, he walked away.
The broth tasted like asphalt, but surprisingly paired nicely with the tough pieces of bark mixed in. The flavor could only be described as patriotic. Before I knew it, I had finished the whole bowl and quieted my gurgling stomach.
The waiter returned and informed me that they only accepted bartered payments. I hardly had anything on me, so I decided to part with my new DSLR camera. It had been weighing me down on the paddle out to the island, so surely I could do without it. I was grateful to have finally gotten some food, even if I felt a bit guilty for chowing down on the symbol of America.
Pumpkin Purity: Pumpkin Spice Latte Enema
After returning to my raft, the current of the river took me near Tom McCall Waterfront Park, where I spotted a bright orange vehicle. As fate would have it, I had just arrived at one of the most viral establishments of the season: Pumpkin Purity. The owners claim that their offerings will “cleanse the body of toxins.” Out of their food cart, they exclusively serve pumpkin spice lattes, but not through the mouth; rather the derrière, as the French say.
While I was extremely curious about the supposed benefits of the “drink,” I was unable to try it due to a bathroom emergency. It would be unprofessional to describe the incident here, but the public bathroom located along the Waterfront will be out of commission until at least January.
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