We are more than our grades, our housing assignment, our hometown … but everyone knows a zodiac sign is the most accurate way to characterize people. In fact, even the bridges in our beloved city of Portland have a zodiac sign, which I have so kindly mapped out for you. For the purpose of identifying your sister bridge, you may refer to your Sun sign or your Rising sign. If you don’t like what you’ve been assigned, do not blame me; blame your mother.
Aries – Burlington Northern Railroad Bridge 5.1 (St. Johns Railway Bridge)
Aries, you are usually known for being irritatingly self involved and the immature baby of your friend group. Given your “my way or the highway” attitude, you are assigned the Burlington Northern Railroad Bridge. This bridge is dedicated to one thing and one thing only: trains. No cars allowed, so if you’re trying to find a place to process your internal rage quits, this is the bridge to walk on.
Taurus – Burnside Bridge
Taurus – pleasure and sensory satisfaction are at the top of your priority list. You are likely the one with snacks on you at all times, or asking if your friend is gonna eat their last bite. Taurus, you are assigned the Burnside Bridge. Going across this bridge will lead you to some of the best and most iconic spots in Portland on either side of the Willamette, such as the gyro food truck that also sells bitcoin.
Gemini – Marquam Bridge
Gemini is a sign of duplicity … aka dissociative identity disorder. Please watch yourself as you both put on makeup and recite German greetings while driving – sometimes multitasking is not worth it. For this reason, you are assigned the double-decker Marquam Bridge. Just like we cannot expect you, Gemini, to stick to one thing for too long — you like to go your own way – this bridge connects those on I-5 to I-405 and I-84.
Cancer – Morrison Street Bridge
Cancer is known to be tenderhearted, reclusive, and particular. Being the sensitive Crab, I will assign you an easy ride: The Morrison Street Bridge. This bridge was the first to connect Portlanders to the east and west sides of the Willamette River. Since Cancers’ often search for excuses to engage in deep, somewhat inappropriate conversations with strangers, this suits you.
Leo – St. Johns Bridge
Leo is the begrudging main character. You are usually making jokes or showing off, but since your intention is to lighten the mood, your friends will not ever admit their annoyance to your face. You are assigned the St. Johns Bridge, arguably the most beautiful and regal-looking bridge in all of Portland with its Gothic architecture. Much like you, Leo, who can look good from every angle in your group photos, this bridge has a lot of good sides.
Virgo – Tilikum Crossing, Bridge of the People
Virgo, you are the one human sign in the whole zodiac. What a burden, right? Always having friends asking you to proofread texts or essays… Because your brain runs at full speed at all times you are assigned the Tilikum Crossing, known as the Bridge of the People. This bridge prioritizes the MAX Orange Line light rail and bikes, emergency vehicles and, of course, pedestrian traffic. Of course you would be the bridge that has to be doing something for everyone!
Libra – Glenn Jackson Memorial Bridge (I-205 Bridge)
Libra is a sign of balance, unity, and preference… which is a nice way of saying “pushover.” Ruled by Venus, the planet of vanity, it is important to you to look good while doing good deeds. You are assigned the Glenn Jackson Memorial Bridge which connects Portland to Vancouver, Washington, over the Columbia River. This bridge is purely functional yet still looking classy during the act: classic Libra energy for sure.
Scorpio – Broadway Bridge
Scorpio you are known for your obstinate boundaries and big feelings. As a Water sign, you are usually protecting those you love, even if it is unwarranted. For this reason, you are assigned the Broadway Bridge. This bridge has protected bike lanes, yet will likely collapse in the event of an earthquake – talk about drama.
Sagittarius – Hawthorne Bridge
Sagittarius tends to be a little flighty. Your restless nature could be due to your Fire sign qualities, but more likely the fact that you have not left your dorm in a week. Letting loose and getting out of your head is key for you, Sag. You are assigned the Hawthorne Bridge. If you catch yourself staring off into the world outside of campus, listen to that voice and go get a taco at a sketchy food cart in the Hawthorne district.
Capricorn – Steel Bridge
Capricorn, you are known for your achievements and wit. You collect achievements while your friends promote their participation awards. You are the opposite of humble about it, since you constantly remind everyone of how great you are. Because of this, you are assigned the Steel Bridge. This bridge is multimodal, carrying not only cars, bikes and peds, but also the light rail and railroad traffic. What a show off.
Aquarius – Vera Katz Eastbank Esplanade
Aquarius, you are eccentric, aloof, and somewhat of a smart ass. Because of your unique and know-it-all nature, you are assigned the Eastbank Esplanade. This bridget is not technically a bridge. Try to think of other ways to describe yourself other than “niche,” okay?
Pisces – Sellwood Bridge
Pisces, you are an idealistic and sensitive sign. Others typically get half of your attention because your mind is caught up in either depressing song lyrics or your own poetic prose. You are assigned the Sellwood Bridge, the closest bridge to campus. Pieces would know the nearest escape route from Lewis & Clark and into the city like the back of their hand.
As you can see, it is kind of dumb to think of ourselves as special when we can all be summed up by a piece of infrastructure. Next time you have an existential crisis, remind yourself it is not that deep. Ditch class and go visit your bridge and realize just how small you are in the grand scheme of things.
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