Empress Middleton/The Mossy Log
Hello Admitted students and welcome to your future home! We are so excited to meet you and your annoying parents and show you around our beautiful campus and to show you everything Lewis & Clark has to offer. Due to the recent mauling incident, we ask all visitors to abide by the following security protocols to ensure their safety:
- When you arrive on campus, park in the designated spots beside Akin Residence Hall. Do not knock on the windows of the building. This scares the students.
- Make your way to the historic Frank Manor House to meet your tour guide. All tour guides have been spayed, neutered and vaccinated for rabies.
- As you begin your walking tour of our beautiful campus, be careful to avoid direct eye contact with our students. Some may interpret this as aggressive, while others will see it as a come-on. Either way, this is best to avoid.
- Though unlikely, it is possible a student will approach you. Typically, they will get close enough to see if you smell of cigarettes and will quickly lose interest when they realize you have nothing to offer. For this reason, it is crucial that you leave all cigarettes, loose tobacco and keychain lighters in the lock boxes available in the Manor House.
- If a student gets closer to you than sniffing range, it is very important that you establish dominance for your safety. Raise your arms and make your body appear as large as possible. With your loudest voice, shout “YOUR PARENTS ARE NOT ‘UPPER MIDDLE CLASS’! THEY’RE TOTALLY LOADED! I SAW THE TAX RETURNS!” or something to that effect. This is a highly effective method of scaring them off and keeping you both safe.
- On sunny days, our students can often be seen lounging on our beautiful grounds. They are allowed these hours of free-range time in compliance with state law. Do not block the sunlight with your shadow, as this has been known to set students off and has led to rabies infection in the past.
- We encourage you to take plenty of photos of our campus to show your friends at the college you actually end up attending. However, please refrain from flash photography inside academic buildings or directly into the eyes of our students.
Based on feedback from recent tours, we have been made aware that there are certain behaviors exhibited by our students that visitors may find disturbing. We include a list here of such behaviors to prepare you for your visit and assure you that these behaviors are perfectly healthy:
- Homoerotic Frisbee circles are a healthy and spirited way for our students to blow off some steam, especially while in heat.
- Spray painting academic buildings is just one of the many ways our students express themselves creatively. We are proud to have a student body that is so active in shaping their lived environment and are also terrified of getting bit while intervening.
- The following are common accessories among our students and we ask that you refrain from staring (though the instinct is understandable): capes, dog collars, performative canes, culturally-appropriative head scarves, visible nipple piercings and unread copies of “The Communist Manifesto.”
- Acoustic guitars in public spaces are, unfortunately, common on our campus. The administration is actively working to address this, but as it does not currently pose a public safety threat, we have been unable to legally ban the practice.
By following these guidelines, you can help protect our campus ecosystem and make your tour the best it can be. We sincerely hope you enjoy your visit and are excited to welcome you to the class of ’30. Gootts!!
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