Dear Spill It,
I really, really want a new friend group or people to hang out with but it seems that everyone is so confined to their cliques and their own friends that it seems almost impossible. I am so very lonely and I’ve tried almost everything: clubs, talking to people from class, etc. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Lonesome Plattapus
Dear Lonesome Plattapus,
I believe the best advice is given with a story, so I will start there:
In my senior year of high school, I had a very close-knit group of friends. We listened to the same music (Charli xcx, The Last Dinner Party), watched the same movies (“Little Women,” “Pearl”). We shared most things. We understood each other deeply, and we were comfortable sharing almost everything with one another.
Toward the end of the school year, I started noticing how isolated I felt. Although I was thankful for my group of best friends, I realized that I had few friends outside of them. I had acquaintances, sure, and people I was friendly with, but by the end of the year, all of my emotional and physical energy was spent knowing my group so intensely.
Although I would not change my closeness to them for anything, I still see the flaws in this friendship.
I do not mean to say that I do not think one should have a close group of friends, or even have a few friends that you know extremely well — quite the opposite. I tell this story to remind you that it is okay, normal even, to not have a specific “friend group.” In fact, this type of thinking is what creates cliques that seem so unapproachable. It is not their fault either — our culture heavily romanticizes cliques. We may think we grew out of the lunch tables mapped out in “Mean Girls,” but our culture definitely has not. High school, college or beyond, our society is extremely categorical.
My advice is simple: transcend the category. It sounds like you are already making friends: you have joined clubs, talked to people from class. The next step is not to be afraid of the group either — I know from experience that although they seem exclusive, most often they still want to make new friends. Once you have realized this, ask to hang out! Often, the best way to make connections is to spend time with someone outside of the place you always see them. This goes for cliques as well — do not confine yourself to one group. Instead, try to have many good friends in many different circles.
Once you have cultivated these friends, a group (for a lack of a better term) of the people you hang out with the most will naturally form. By doing this, others will not be pushed to the wayside, and this “group” will not be your only friends. Instead you will have a network of connections — people who all know each other — and the rest will come easily.
Sincerely, Noah-Knows-All
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