Rose Bialk/The Mossy Log
Dear Spill It,
My dad and I have had a complicated relationship for a few years now, but recently things have gotten harder. I am not very close with him anymore, so much of his behavior is not directly hurting me. However, recently he has started to believe in racist conspiracy theories and his political beliefs have gotten more conservative. What is worse, he is extremely rude and hurtful towards my mom. They are divorced, but co-parent my brother, so they are very much involved in each other’s lives. I am conflicted since I do not know at what point his behavior and beliefs become enough for me to cut contact with him. He is still my father and an important part of my family due to my brother, with whom I am very close. Yet, I morally object to many of his actions. How can I maintain ties with family and stick to my values?
Sincerely,
Distraught Daughter
Dear Distraught Daughter,
The first thing I want to say is that you are not alone. I am sure, like many of us, there is some subconscious part of you that believes that you are doing this on your own. Yes, it is true that you are the only person who can make this decision, but that does not mean you cannot ask for support along the way. In fact, you should. Talk to people: rely on the help, advice and kindness from those who care about you the most. Even if it is just a shoulder to cry on, having someone there makes all the difference. I would also recommend talking to your mom. Even if you are not extremely close, I think it is important to discuss the situation with someone who is directly affected. When having a conversation with her, tell her how you disapprove of your father’s actions and his treatment of her.
While family is important, it does not have to be held above everything else in your life. If your father’s actions escalate to the point where you have to cut ties, do not blame yourself. He may still be a smaller part of your life through your brother. This is not an end-all, be-all. People change and grow, and it is possible for you to rekindle this relationship in the future. For now, focus on building a found family — a community of people who care for you unconditionally. Those people are the most important in your life.
Finally, I would like to say that whatever you decide, your values are not in question. Although the rhetoric that your father spews is hateful and deeply against what you believe in, choosing to still be in his life does not mean you agree with his actions. You know what you believe in, and should be confident in your ability to hold your ground.
Sincerely, Noah-Knows-All
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