Rose Bialk/The Mossy Log
Dear Spill it,
Recently I have noticed that my boyfriend has been super distant and I thought it was just me who noticed, but my Best Friend showed up to class COVERED in hickies, and I checked her location, and she was at his dorm last night. I confronted her, and she said she had stopped by to grab a jacket she left. I know she is lying but how do I confront them about it?
From,
Suspicious Seeker
Dear Suspicious Seeker,
The politics of the friend-and-partner friend group are tough to navigate. On a campus like Lewis & Clark’s, where everyone seems to be in a relationship, this is common. At first your boyfriend and best friend seem like an ideal mash-up of fun and tenderness. But this can quickly become problematic.
First, I would like to say that when your partner is distant in a relationship — whether it be not responding right away or seemingly avoiding hanging out with you — it is easy to jump to conclusions. You are in a vulnerable position and you feel your relationship is being threatened, and that internal pressure manifests as external defensiveness. This can cause us to be irrational and even suspect our closest friends of being deceitful. My biggest piece of advice is that it is often not an external pressure on your relationship. The truth, however hard to stomach, is often that there is a larger problem between the two of you that needs to be addressed. Sit down, have a conversation. Express that you are feeling insecure.
In this case, it is best to stay calm, controlled and detached, no matter how hard that may be. Start by gathering as much information as possible before confrontation. If you have come to the conclusion that your boyfriend has been unfaithful, it is best to confront him as soon as possible and have a conversation. The sad truth is that you may need to break it off. Cheating reveals a larger unhappiness or insecurity in your partner that you cannot fix. It is also important to remember that it is never your fault.
With everything taken into account, this is an extremely sticky and sensitive situation. Treat it with as much care and grace as you can. Ask for outside help if needed. Try to be the bigger person if it goes south, and remember that this is not the end of the world. Although these people may seem like your “everything” right now, there will always be others who treat you with the respect you deserve.
Sincerely, Noah-Knows-All
About the Author
Good advice!