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Going off to college meant stability — I had a bed every night, food every day, and a solid education that was never going to be taken away from me. For years before college, I worried daily: “Will I have enough money to eat today?” I worked three jobs throughout high school just to afford a roof over my head and one meal a day. No one would have ever known. At 15, I cut off all contact with my parents. It was the hardest decision I have ever made — but nobody knew my story, making it that much harder.
Many students at Lewis & Clark are leaving behind difficult lives and toxic family relationships. Students are often faced with an extremely difficult decision to fully cut them off or to hold onto the “good parts” of their relationships. Many have tried to fix their relationships or learn to deal with it as “part of life,” but it can feel impossible. Going no contact — or becoming estranged — may lead to financial struggles or create feelings of isolation. However, it leads you to a more physically and mentally healthy life long term. You may also feel judged, but nobody knows your story.
According to The New Yorker, advocates for going no contact are working to normalize it and challenge the stigma that leaving your family is shameful. There are even groups such as Family Support Resources which are meant to help support those who have gone no contact. It often feels like you are alone, but support groups want to end that and make people feel like they have the choice to leave behind what they have known to pursue something better.
About 27% of Americans are estranged from at least one family member, which is more than one in every four people. That statistical reality is not often acknowledged or well-known, leaving many feeling isolated in their experience and worried that they may be viewed negatively by others who do not know their story.
Whatever the reason may be, going no contact is often beneficial in the long run, even if it causes short term problems. I tried to savor the good parts of my familial relationships because, at the time, I was moving to America, which is not easy, but doing so while cutting all contact with my family turned a hard task into a nearly impossible one. I had thought for long hours about the roof over my head or nice memories I could have had if I kept contact. I tried to hold onto any small reason to stay in contact, but deep down, I knew it was not healthy and that I had to leave. I was worried that nobody knew my story and nobody would understand leaving me alone with no support.
In the same way I thought moving to America while going no contact was hard, moving to college while going no contact holds a lot of the same major issues, such as being forced to bear financial burdens with no family to help. You are often left to deal with major debts alone — especially at schools like LC where the cost of attendance continues to rise. You also are stuck constantly thinking about the future and where you may go post-college with little to no connections.
Although going no contact seems like a nearly impossible task, it truly is not. There are many resources for financial and mental support around you and through organizations. In my junior year of high school, I was sitting with my church leader and explaining to her that I had chosen to go no contact with my family two years prior. This was the most terrifying conversation I could conceive of because interactions like it often lead to intense stares or people persuading you to go back home because your family cannot be “that bad.” However, this time was different. I explained to her my reasoning for choosing to go no contact, and the first words to come out of her mouth were truly life changing.
“How can I support you? That is fantastic that you got away,” she said.
I stood there in silence, shocked that I was not being judged or shunned from the church. She hugged me tight and said that if I ever needed a bed or a place to spend the holidays, her door was open. This was a new experience for me — a support system like no other. Going no contact is hard, but you are never truly alone. It may feel like nobody will ever love you and that people are not going to see you the same. While the second part of that sentence may be true, nobody knows your story until you share it and many people do love you.
Going no contact is not all bad. Beyond escaping toxicity, it brings freedom: you can make your own medical decisions and can finally go to therapy or get your mental health treated. It means you can cry freely without being judged. It opens up a world of opportunities that many have never seen. I was raised in a household where crying was a sign of weakness, and I did not relearn how to feel emotions until my senior year of high school when I cried about my situation.
I am not saying that everyone should cut off their family, but what I want to advocate for is that now is the best time to decide what is healthiest for you mentally and physically. If you have a toxic family member in your life, now is the time to cut them off since you are already independent in coming to college. You can only put up with the pain for so long before it tears you apart.
LC is filled with people ready to listen and support you — the Student Counseling Center, Office of Student Accessibility and your friends — they all want to help you, especially as we get into the holiday season over winter break. If you are dreading going home for the holidays due to toxic family members, now is the time. Nobody knows your story. You are your own best advocate and only you can make those tough decisions. There are people who care and are there to support you. You should never feel pressured to stay in contact with family members who are hurting you.
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