Vivian Kalla/The Mossy Log
In a recent press conference, Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. shared his health and wellness tips for this cold and flu season. Like all his other health-related stances, these recommendations stirred some controversy. They say the debate around raw vs. pasteurized milk is still ongoing in the halls of dairy farmers, tradwives and molecular biologists alike. Kennedy also gave some insight into recent government decisions and their impact on the health of Americans. Compiled here is a list of his anti-establishmentarian health and wellness advice:
1) Brain Worms Help Fight Off the Cold and Flu
Kennedy’s parasitic brain worm was the talk of his 2024 presidential campaign. Despite causing him cognitive problems, he recently claimed that while he had the brain worm, he never caught a cold or had the flu. In an effort to reduce rates of cold and flu infections, he suggested Americans increase their consumption of raw meat (specifically pork), swim in unsafe, contaminated waters and practice all-around leniency toward cleanliness to promote the perfect conditions to welcome a brain worm infestation.
2) Tylenol is not the Cure for Your Fever — Acetaminophen is
On Sept. 22, President Trump and Kennedy announced that the use of Tylenol during pregnancy causes autism in infants. Kennedy has gone even further, claiming that Tylenol use at any age causes autism. Fever is a common symptom of colds and flus, so for at-home remedies, Kennedy suggests using other fever reducers such as Advil, ibuprofen and acetaminophen to treat symptoms while preventing the risk of developing autism. He also suggested avoiding flu vaccines for a similar reason.
3) Pop an Upper Decky to get Vitamin C and Other Benefits
Kennedy outlined several health benefits of the use of Zyns. He said that the citrus flavor was an excellent way to get vitamin C, which can help reduce the severity and length of colds. Kennedy suggested avoiding the wintergreen and coffee flavors as coffee is dehydrating, and wintergreen’s minty freshness can exacerbate cold and flu symptoms. It should be noted that RFK was seen putting in a double upper decky before sharing this health tip — proving that he practices what he preaches.
4) Pantries Build Herd Immunity
Kennedy stated that part of the reasoning behind the recent pausing of SNAP benefits was an intent to build herd immunity.
“If Americans are huddled together fighting over soup cans, they will be more exposed to harmful germs and, in turn, gain immunity to the common cold and flu,” Kennedy rasped.
The availability of Tylenol is also typically limited at food pantries, which may have also motivated the decision.
5) Germs Cannot Spread if People Cannot Travel
The FAA recently decided to reduce the number of flights by 10%, leading to mass flight cancellations. Kennedy claimed that this was due to the increase in illness surrounding the holidays. People with colds or the flu cannot spread illness if they cannot travel. This decision has been met with frustration among some radical conservatives, who believe that the FAA should have cancelled all flights to reduce the risk of illness to zero. Others are grateful that they can still visit the Trump animatronic at Disney World.
6) Move to Wyoming
No one lives there. You cannot get sick if you never see your neighbors. Or anyone for that matter.
7) Get Your Minerals, Lick Rocks
Kennedy suggested eating meals that contain lots of minerals. He offered specific tricks to up your intake:
“Sprinkle some sand on your eggs or lick your crystal-loving girlfriend’s Himalayan salt lamp.”
He also stated that buying an iron fish online and gnawing on it throughout the day was a sufficient way to get enough minerals in your diet. He added that his favorite mineral to add to his meals was lead and suggested Americans do the same.
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