“My culture is not your costume,” says mummy

Year after year, in the season of harvest, I turn in my sarcophagus. Assailed am I with visions of my sacred customs appropriated by the common man. Shallow attempts to imitate my culture serve only to disgrace the regality of Mummification. Not only do these imitations take fragments of our way of life — they pass off this sacrilege as something called a “costume.”

As a mummy of 2,713 years, to see these falsifications grow more deplorable by the year — it has struck something deep within me. I feel I must intervene, if for no other purpose than educating commoners, who might learn to understand and appreciate the culture of the mummy without disrespecting the legacy of its history.

The first catastrophic misconception that befalls all mummies is that we are singularly Egyptian or of Egyptian origin. In reality, only the most notorious of mummies originate in Egypt, but they do not represent our diverse community. Since ancient times, mummies have existed on every continent. It is because of that stereotype that mummies are so often misrepresented and so deeply misunderstood. These stereotypes offer mere glimpses of truth. Like the eye holes in sarcophagi, you do not see the whole picture.

Another common falsehood is that mummies do not have any prestige. This fallacy has been the most deplorable to the mummy’s memory. Even what has been preserved to this age, cannot represent how vast and pristine was this establishment of excellence — the sanctity of the mummy. The expansive tomb of a true mummy will always be decorated in excess and finery. In this space, the mere presence of its being causes air to still, the magnificent essence of death becomes nearly perceptible. Such an experience renders a mummy’s life irreplicable by any creature living or “undead.”

Men, try as they might, will always fail to imitate the mummy. No plastic costume jewelry can compare to refined metalwork worn and possessed, in a beguiled trove of treasures, by a mummy. No attempt, however accurate, can come close to the true lived authenticity that is a mummy’s standing. The temples built and ceremonies performed on our behalf, including the mummification process itself, are of such a prestigious degree that it is inconceivable for the common man. Mummification is an honor that must be earned. The ceremonial act of wrapping and consecration can only be performed on those with unwavering discipline and the most courageous of spirits. If at one point or another, a divine being decided to reanimate this vessel, the mummy would fulfill its purpose — to recognize the compelling forces of destruction with a slow but determined malice. This purpose is in accordance with the mummy’s curse. The curse, the mummy’s reanimation and inherent urge for violence, could fall upon anyone who disturbs it, but also those who find themselves an enemy of the divinities that might use the mummy to carry out their will.

Any “mummy” seen raving and blubbering about in ratty scraps this Hallows Eve is no authentic mummy. The silly torn scraps and painted faces of misinformed fools more closely evoke the “undead” — those zombies, with their mindless purpose and ragged existence. Such crude displays of brainlessness will never compare to the delicate fabrics and sacred oils anointed and adorned on the true mummy. Who can say what ungodly hole a zombie has crawled out of, only to rampage blindly in search of carnage — absolutely disgraceful behavior.

We are dead, of course, but not as mortal men would call “undead.” A mummy’s form cannot be sustained in the world of the living if they are to ascend to the realm thereafter. In common man’s terms, the body is not alive because the soul has ascended. It is due to the intricate ritual of preservation that the body does not decay but remains a vessel, with a supernatural will. But this nuanced balance is lost on creatures of the modern world. Any one of you short-attentioned louts could very well be a zombie one day (if you play your cards right) — but to even compare one passage of death with the other is absolute sacrilege against the mummy and will no longer be tolerated.

There are ways to appreciate the culture without appropriating through costume. Appreciating the mummy requires respect for its true nature, understanding its origins and its unachievability. But unless you are bold of heart, instilled with the discipline of determination, outfitted to the extent of regality and willing to succumb to sinister forces, do not appropriate the mummy or its customs. Fail to heed this warning and risk receiving the mummy’s revenge.