As in all things sexual, it is always best to know what you are instinctively drawn to. Should the results of your sexual encounters be determined by broad, unknowable factors such as formative experiences, informed preferences or the partners you encounter at Lewis & Freak? NO! Look to the stars to find out which sexually transmitted diseases are astrologically aligned with your soul!
Aries (March 21 to April 19)
Aries are known for their passion, energy and ambition. We have all known an Aries, have all heard about a friend or a roommate that is an Aries — they are common, but still unmistakable. That is why they are perfectly paired with UTIs — you might notice a fever, or a fiery pain while pissing — both of which should make you go “OUCH! I have found my perfect match.”
Taurus (April 20 to May 20)
Tough. Dependable. Strong. A Taurus? Nay, chlamydia! Often called “the silent infection,” many who contract it do not experience symptoms — much like a Taurus, quiet but always in your corner. If you happen to experience chlamydia, you might notice bleeding while not on your period, which makes sense for a Taurus, because they show up at unexpected, but necessary times. If you are very lucky, you might even encounter testicular swelling, perhaps even to the size of a bull!
Gemini (May 21 to June 20)
Geminis are great conversationalists. You might notice their ability to speak and transmit information in a witty, quick manner. They are intrinsically, beautifully connected to orally-transmitted genital herpes, because who else but a Gemini would be so eager to use their mouths? And genital herpes’ two types, HSV-1 and HSV-2, match Gemini’s dual personality!
Cancer (June 21 to July 22)
I hate to say it, but of course, our beloved Cancers must be crabs. The real danger with crabs is surprisingly not the tiny public lice crawling around your naughty bits, but the scratching that comes with it. Just like a Cancer, crabs are not dangerous unless disturbed. Cancers are sensitive souls, take care of them and try not to itch!
Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22)
Oh, Leos. Known for being flashy, captivating, in-your-face personalities, these enigmatic leaders need an STD with star power — enter gonorrhea. There are several medications that can cure gonorrhea, but some strains are becoming resistant; just like a Leo, they keep fighting back onto the stage. As the second-most common STD ever reported, and one of the oldest known STDs in human history, gonorrhea is center stage without being a common sight — just as every Leo likes it.
Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)
Virgo has the misfortune of maybe being the most common sign; when everyone is holed up during winter, all those Virgos get made. Similarly, HPV is far and away the most common STD. Virgos are known to be detail-oriented, emotionally stable and analytical. There are over 200 types of HPV, making the disease well-suited to categorization and so well-researched! Virgos, you have found your soul-STD, and its name is human papillomavirus.
Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)
Libras, you often slide under the radar. You have got a reputation for avoiding conflict, for getting the damn job done and for having a lot of great friends. Your best friend is trichomoniasis, or “the trich.” Not many know to look out for you, but they should — just like your infectious, sociable personality, the trich is a parasite that very easily reinfects its carriers.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
An oft-misunderstood side of Scorpios is their deep, profound emotions and their mysterious auras. They are always looking for someone to match their energy, and hepatitis B can certainly accomplish that. If STDs could join humans on “Love Island” as fellow contestants (rather than mere participation trophies), hepatitis B and Scorpio would be locked in by episode two. There is no vaccine for “the silent killer,” and the World Health Organization has made it a mission to eliminate Ms. Hep B as a public health threat by 2030. Dangerous, daring and appearing in many medical shows — Scorpio has found their match.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
Adventurous is the name of the game for Sagittarius, who is always willing to take risks and try new things. That is why I have chosen a slightly unique, more unusual sexually transmitted infection for our intrepid winter babies. Chancroid is an STI that involves painful ulcers in the gential area and occurs more commonly outside the United States, so grab your passports and get adventuring! This STI is highly contagious but curable, making it a fun one to ~scratch~ off your bucket list.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
High-maintenance, focused, but gorgeously intuitive when treated properly, Capricorns find their perfect match in syphilis. Once you catch syphilis, there is a dormant period, and if cured with common antibiotics, it goes away. But if left uncared for, Capricorns — er, I mean syphilis, can have a dramatic reaction, causing blindness, heart disease and brain damage! Does all that drama sound familiar to anyone?
Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
Aquariuses: intellectual, innovative, curious. You are not like other girls. That is why you and the rare STI monkeypox get along so well! Mpox is a STI that is closely related to smallpox, a rare and sexy disease nowadays. It is just like an Aquarius to have something nobody has heard of and to have something with no specific cure. The mystique, the subtlety and the rarity all appeal to our unique little princess Aquariuses.
Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20)
A Pisces is nothing if not adaptable. That is why they are attuned to scabies, a contagious skin infestation. Most commonly, it is transferred through sharing bedding — and we all know Pisces are big cuddlers. They are gentle, empathetic and they burrow under your skin just like microscopic mites. Cuddle with a Pisces today, and have 10-15 new little buddies tomorrow!
There you have it. We hope this star-studded STI horoscope will empower you to make informed decisions about your health. Wield this information wisely, practice safe sex, and, from all of us at The Backdoor, get tested ya filthy animals.
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