Courtesy of Oregon Live
Welcome back, P*os! Each consecutive year of schooling brings with it new challenges and somehow, smaller class sizes? (Although, if SOME of you would be a little less gay, I am sure we could get that birth rate back up in no time.) We have here letters of welcome for each class to prepare you for the year ahead and satiate your undying thirst for the Backdoor. Here is to hoping the first and last reading you do all semester will make you at least chuckle under your breath once.
Dearest Freshmen,
Feel free to call yourselves first-years if you are feeling pretentious, which, based on conversations overheard with some particularly heavy-pocketed parents outside the Bon during New Student Orientation, you are. Some advice from a senior: Do not be from the Bay Area. If you are, just lie. We have rocketed far past our quota there.
As you discover all the wonders our beautiful campus has to offer — very obvious smoke spots, one and a half fine dining halls (that is, they are just fine), clubs you will go to once or twice — remember that you are not alone! Three years’ worth of slightly better-adjusted people are walking among you who have LOTS of free time to answer questions or give advice about which professors are the worst. Now is your time! Welcome to the world! Carpe diem before diem carpes you!
Sweet, silly Sophomores,
Please know we wrote this letter last, as sophomore year was undoubtedly the most forgettable of them all. That might be a good thing! You are past the terrible sexual tension of freshman year and you have yet to go abroad so your nicotine addiction is still reliant on Zyns and vapes with little iPad screens. You should have at least one friend with a car who can schlep you to the Bins every other Saturday for some good ol’ American trash-diggin’ entertainment … the possibilities are endless!
Our advice for sophomores: now that you are more established on campus, the dating pool is cool and ready for you to jump in. Why not have a threesome with a senior and a freshman? Why not make out with fifteen different people across seven parties in one semester? Live fast, take chances! You are living in Hartzy now, baby, you are a HOT TICKET!
Hey Juniors,
Ahh, junior year. The “Cats: The Musical” of undergrad. You have developed some strong friendships, you have at least one ex walking around campus ready to cause panic attacks at any moment, and if you are still living in a dorm, you probably only have to put up with your slobbish roommate for one more harrowing semester. Abroad awaits!
Sure, having half of your support system in Morocco, Italy or Ecuador kind of sucks, but at least you know they are having more fun than you are. Fun fact, of the 60% of our student body who go abroad, 12% bring back an STI from a random club hookup, 37% actually get worse in the language they are studying and all 60% return with severely maxed-out credit cards and a newly-invigorated taste for alcohol. Oh, worry not Juniors, it really is an incredible experience. Besides, where else would you learn how to roll your own cigarettes?
The rest of ya —
Still barely kicking? Fret not, young grasshopper, dropping out in the seventh semester is an untapped market that only YOU can explore! Whether senior or super-senior or three years deep into purposefully failing Russian Lit to keep singing with your acapella group, you are still loved and valued by us here at LC. Well, your tuition dollars are. By the way, how is your thesis going? Got a topic yet? Clock’s ticking.
As you enter your glorious final year at Lewis & Clark, remember to take some time between applying for internships that will never respond to you to walk down memory lane. Trudging outside at 2 a.m. for Copeland fire alarms, sexiling up to three roommates at one time, suffering through debilitating food poisoning from Bon tilapia — we have all come so far! Hold onto your physically-close friendships now, folks, it only goes downhill from here!
Let this semester bring you good enough grades to scrape by under your parents’ expectations.
Lots of love,
The Backdoor
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