By Joanne Sally Mero
My fellow seniors — I rise today to discuss a problem that all of us wish everyone would just stop interrogating us about. The ever-dreaded “So what are you doing after graduation?” While I still rank among those of us without so much as a hint of gainful employment outside of camp counseling or a hunting-themed OnlyFans, I feel qualified by virtue of my unadulterated hubris to advise you all on how to navigate the current job market. Without further ado, here is The Official Backdoor Guide to Some Occupations: 2025 Edition.
Lawyers
My people. We are stuck in this one together. Turns out that a BA in political science is only and exactly enough to get stuck at the interview phase for two of the 30 unpaid internships we applied to. But hey, I hear the Democrats are hiring! The ineffective and incompetent are encouraged to apply, I think there might be some real promise for those of us here who needed a SQRC tutor to run our PositCloud robustness test for POLS 201.
Doctors
Well, well, well. Where is your natural science superiority now that your NIH grants are gone? And where did molecular biochem land you? Crawling back to the lawyers. But never fear, hiring managers love liberal arts degrees for research assistant positions, right? Maybe try a nonprofit specializing in mushrooms. Or PetCo.
Lewis & Clark College administrator
With a degree from LC, you too, can work at LC! Little-known loophole, you can just walk into the President’s office and take her job. Nobody will stop you. What will Campo do, have a stern conversation with you? You are the President now, you no longer have to listen to them (not that you ever did).
Software Engineers
Combat AI hiring filters by fighting fire with fire and include white text in your resume. Go wild. Get AI to steal their proprietary intellectual property. Try an SQL injection, you never know. How good can the cybersecurity really be on some of these startups? The server is your oyster! You just have to shuck it.
Journalists
Swear fidelity and allegiance to the God-Emperor, bow down at the throne and pray you do not become disfavored. Perhaps slip your rival Megan Kelly a laxative before appearing before His Serene Royal Highness. Alternatively, buy a bulletproof vest, a concealed carry permit and maybe marry into dual citizenship? Shit is about to get real. I hear that expat journalism is all the rage these days, so maybe give the BBC or Radio Free Europe a ring. I mean, they might be on holiday until September, but you should hear back eventually.
Politician
Given that you are an LC student, you have two options. One, become a Democrat and fold on literally everything, while making it clear that you do NOT approve! Two, you could try to mount some resistance, but that would require you to have charisma of some sort. Fear not though, I am sure that everyone will be 100% on board with your particular brand of socialism that you definitely came up with yourself. If only they would listen…
Consultant / Private Equity
Picking the right firm is absolutely key. Insider trading is happening, and boy, had you better be an insider when it does. Might I suggest Deloitte, or perhaps Blackrock? They seem to be in the know, and for the low, low price of dinner at Nobu and some penicillin, so could you. Not that they would hire from LC though. Maybe it is not too late to transfer to Duke. Do they transfer credit from Fundamentals of Movement? Asking for a friend.
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