By Oren Parthenos
Cast of Characters:
HERMIA: LC’s star volleyball player
LYSANDRA: Lead singer of her own band, The Sapphos.
DEMETRIA: Plays lacrosse, has a pierced lip. Hot, apparently.
HELENA: Wears a pride flag shirt on a regular basis. Not-so-secretly in love with Demetria.
BOTTOM: Nonbinary actor to the stars. Has micro bangs.
PUCK: Mainstage actor, trickster, does not take Bottom seriously.
OBERON: Evil queer, STEM major. Coolest outfits on campus. In love with Titania.
TITANIA: Star soloist of Kith and Kin.
NURSE: Totally normal RN.
JON BONG JOVI: A green, glass-blown bong with real style. Covered in My Little Pony stickers, which cramp its style.
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE: At Hermia’s Quad, the stage is lit in cool-tones, mimicking that god-awful overhead light only the truly self-hating Akin residents ever turn on. The only set pieces are two bunk-beds, placed uncomfortably close together. HERMIA’s bong, JON BONG JOVI sits at the foot of her bed. HERMIA and LYSANDRA are fingerbanging on HERMIA’s bunk.
(A loud KNOCK)
DEMETRIA:
(Pounding at the door) Hey, get out here!
HERMIA and LYSANDRA adjust their clothes. HERMIA opens the door to find DEMETRIA and HELENA standing in the hallway, arms crossed. DEMETRIA sees LYSANDRA and scowls, pulling HERMIA into the hallway, and shutting the door behind them.
DEMETRIA:
I thought we said you weren’t seeing her anymore!
HERMIA shrugs.
DEMETRIA:
(Sighs) And you stink of weed.
HERMIA shrugs again.
DEMETRIA:
You said you liked the lip piercing! Do you have any idea how long it took to heal?
HERMIA:
(With effort) It … looks great.
DEMETRIA:
…Whatever. If you couldn’t tell, we don’t LIKE Lysandra. She’s a cunt and she did bath salts at that one house party.
Against the back of the stage, in a flashback, LYSANDRA streaks across the stage before coming to a stop and lying spread-eagle stage right, providing an unfortunate view to the audience.
HERMIA bites her lip. DEMETRIA glares. HELENA rolls her eyes.
DEMETRIA:
(Serious) Dude, if you pick Lysandra over me, you’re out of the group. Your father likes me better anyways!
DEMETRIA starts to walk away, HELENA following, but turns back. HELENA runs into her. DEMETRIA shoots her a dirty look before exiting haughtily with HELENA.
HERMIA re-enters Hermia’s Quad to find LYSANDRA tangled in the covers, asleep. HERMIA shakes her awake.
HERMIA:
We have to leave the friend group.
LYSANDRA:
(Smirking) Well, maybe in a minute…
They fall back onto the bed.
SCENE TWO: By Fir Acres, BOTTOM rehearses a play, wearing an elaborate costume
BOTTOM (in soliloquy):
Gather near, my fellow thespians! I shall the lead play on, the audience shall be my love. My art shall be my sword to draw, unsheath my wit and cut a foe. But play the he-ro must I do? Could I not play the li-on too?
BOTTOM takes another rip of their pen.
PUCK emerges from the bushes — a sweatpants-clad actor with a script and a water bottle. PUCK notices BOTTOM looking, stops in his tracks and stares back.
BOTTOM:
(Gasps dramatically) Pray tell, strange one, now what are you?
PUCK:
Dude, chill. I’m from the mainstage.
BOTTOM:
Main-stage you say? It does not ring my bell. Yet for advice I ask of you as well.
PUCK seems to sigh in exasperation before continuing his walk into the theatre. Before he enters the doors, he turns back.
PUCK:
You know, you’d look bomb in a fursuit, but you’d scare all the ladies!
BOTTOM:
(Gasps again) Yes! I would, by God, the he-ro I must play! Yet in a fursuit it will be, as is the furry’s way!
PUCK exits. BOTTOM runs off excitedly, grabbing the donkey-ear headband they were playing with.
The curtain closes, and OBERON enters stage left, crossing to mainstage with a spotlight trained on him.
OBERON:
(Using tweezers to put something into a small vial; evilly) Perfect! After letting it grow and fester in the darkest corners of Copeland all winter, the black mold is ready.
OBERON slides the vial into his pocket and exits.
SCENE THREE: The Coop is full of cozy chairs, warm lighting and a comfortable ambiance. TITANIA stands on the stage, singing a jazz standard a capella. HERMIA and LYSANDRA enter, walking sluggishly.
LYSANDRA:
It’s, like, one in the morning. Why does this have to happen now?
HERMIA:
Because my friends will only accept you if they’re forced to. This will do that. If we disappear for a while, they’ll be excited when we come back! And who would ever think to check The Coop?
DEMETRIA storms in, with HELENA trailing behind her.
DEMETRIA:
Don’t do it!
HERMIA glares at HELENA.
HERMIA:
(To HELENA) Are you fucking kidding me?
HELENA:
(Shrugging sheepishly) It was easy to predict what you’d do. (To DEMETRIA) I would be a dog for you.
OBERON and PUCK enter, hidden from the views of other characters onstage. OBERON pulls his mask on, and slowly opens the vial. HELENA spots him, and starts trying to point him out to everyone in the group. They all ignore her.
DEMETRIA:
Don’t do this, Hermia. Lysandra only wants you for — (to HELENA) Hey, can you quiet down? I’m trying to kindle a potential situationship, here.
PUCK, giggling, takes the vial from OBERON and sprinkles it towards the four at the front of the stage. LYSANDRA starts coughing, falling to her knees. Suddenly, DEMETRIA collapses as well, holding HELENA’s legs for support. Something seems to dawn on her, and she looks up at HELENA with wide eyes.
DEMETRIA:
Wow, Helena. There’s something about you I never noticed before.
HELENA frowns confusedly.
DEMETRIA:
Wait… (caressing HELENA’s leg) did you wax?
PUCK closes the vial and exits with OBERON, unseen. HELENA scoffs and steps out of DEMETRIA’s reach. LYSANDRA stops coughing and opens her eyes, ogling HELENA.
LYSANDRA:
Helena, what did you do with your hair today? It’s so… shiny.
HELENA looks at DEMETRIA and LYSANDRA in disgust.
HELENA:
Guys, that’s fucked up.
HELENA exits. HERMIA desperately follows HERMIA offstage.
SCENE FOUR: Back at The Coop, TITANIA continues to sing her a cappella solo. OBERON enters, out of her sight. Slowly, he pulls his mask up again.
OBERON:
This will make her brain foggy enough to fall in love with me! (Addressing the audience) Please note, coercion is not consent.
As OBERON opens the vial, BOTTOM, clad in a full donkey fursuit, enters stage left, in search of PUCK. TITANIA spins around at the height of her solo and falls dramatically into BOTTOM’s arms. TITANIA blinks blearily up at them. She is in love.
OBERON:
Shit.
BOTTOM:
Fair lovely lady here! What ail befalls you ere that I come near?
TITANIA mumbles, then leans in for a kiss, only managing to headbutt the fursuit’s large muzzle.
BOTTOM:
To the Health Center must we swiftly go!
BOTTOM exits with a delirious TITANIA carried bridal-style, blinking slowly and playing with their ears.
SCENE FIVE: Re-entering The Coop, HERMIA has caught up with HELENA.
HERMIA:
Dude, what the hell? Why would you tell Demetria where I was?
HELENA:
She offered me K. (HELENA wipes her nose on her sleeve) And I’m in love with her.
HERMIA:
Oh.
HELENA vomits.
HERMIA:
Oh.
SCENE SIX: At the Health Center, TITANIA is clearly tripping balls and can not seem to stop staring at BOTTOM. To be fair, neither can the NURSE.
NURSE:
Something’s up. Not sure what it is, but something is definitely wrong.
BOTTOM:
Your grace, my maiden fair, I thank thee much!
TITANIA:
I love you.
BOTTOM:
Ha ha! Your love makes sense to me — irresistible I must be! (They hit their pen.).
NURSE:
No smoking on campus.
BOTTOM blows smoke in her face.
SCENE SEVEN: At The Coop, LYSANDRA and DEMETRIA have crawled across the grimy floor to each other.
LYSANDRA:
Helena is mine!
LYSANDRA swipes through the air at DEMETRIA, missing terribly. DEMETRIA is face-down on the floor, arms waving wildly.
DEMETRIA:
(Muffled) She wants me!
HERMIA and HELENA walk back in, holding hands. They take in the scene before them.
HELENA:
(Shouting) Stop!
LYSANDRA and DEMETRIA stare up at HELENA, clearly enamored.
HERMIA:
We’re getting married.
LYSANDRA and DEMETRIA look devastated.
HELENA:
And we’re buying a strap.
LYSANDRA and DEMETRIA look more devastated.
SCENE EIGHT: At the Health Center, TITANIA has fallen asleep with her head on BOTTOM’s furry lap. Suddenly, she begins to stir.
TITANIA:
(Blearily) What the fuck?
TITANIA sits up, scrambling away. She yelps, waking BOTTOM, who had fallen asleep in the darkness within the fur mask.
BOTTOM:
Good morrow!
TITANIA:
Bottom? Is that you in there?
BOTTOM:
Why, yes!
TITANIA:
It’s not your look.
BOTTOM:
Understood!
The stage clears, PUCK enters, reading a sheet of paper.
PUCK:
(Clears throat) This is my formal apology to Lewis & Clark college for claiming that there is black mold in the Copeland dorms. There is not. I do not regret my actions. Thanks.
About the Author
