By Halcyon Orvendal
My dearest, Europe
The day I met you was tremendous, a tremendous day. People are saying — many people, some of the best people — that we really had something special. And we did, folks! And we did! Nobody did transatlantic relationships like us, and believe me I know transatlantic!
But being honest, this relationship is NOT working anymore. It is a bad deal. A very bad deal. I am always giving, and you are a — taker. You always wear protection(ism) with American companies because you have no love for me. Your “little Emmanuel,” as I call him, never leaves me satisfied. You always make me pay, and yet you never let me prioritize myself. Sad! And very toxic. I cannot even say “America First” without you getting upset. Honestly, it is very unfair.
And let me just say your energy policies — just a disaster. I told you not to get too dependent on Russia, your (very) bad and toxic friend. Hot! But toxic. Did you listen? No. Big mistake. Huge. And now? Scrambling. Like rats. Meanwhile, I made America energy independent! America has never been more independent than I made it — fact. America lets me drill, baby, drill. And you know, I have the best drill.
And to be honest, even though she was a very (toxic) friend, I have had the hots for Russia for some time! Some have said she is almost as beautiful as my daughter, and their president is almost as hunked-out as Robert Pattinson. He took my advice on Kristen Stewart … I hope!
So, look, we are breaking up. Not because of me, no, it … it is you. Sad! But worry not, you will find someone else — probably China.
I will (always) remember the two ex-wives you gave me, but I am moving on to younger continents. America is winning again in a big way. Maybe someday, if you clean up your act, text me, and we can talk. Maybe.
Greatest Wishes,
Donald J. Trump (he/him) (DICTATED TO CHARLES ANDERSON)
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