By Alex Nash
The banned books list: the nightmare of teachers everywhere, and a scary story whispered in the ears of introverted adolescents picking books off of shelves instead of braving cafeterias or playgrounds. The reason behind the list, typically heard from white women with an asymmetrical, chunky highlighted haircut and their husbands, is for the “protection of children.”
It does seem as if children would be more protected if they are able to read the news, as well as whatever emergency warnings are issued to their city. I am sure, however, that the pursuit of literacy is one that should be limited to only safe and non-upsetting subject matter.
One must consider the possibility that our children would be safer if they were better educated about the state of the world, especially the disasters the United States continues to stumble into headfirst, but even their ability to read the newspaper headlines is to be questioned. Still, these parents seem not to care about the rapidly-declining literacy rates. Almost impressive! The bar is in Hell, but the literacy rate is trying to dig itself even deeper.
There are a variety of books that have ended up on the banned books list, including “This Book is Gay,” “1984,” “A Court of Mist and Fury” and many others. Some due to “explicit content” or “violence,” others for being too dark or political. Some for very murky reasons. Much to the horror of young girls and femme lesbians across the world, the children’s book “Pinkalicious” has also recently earned itself a spot on the banned books list (“Purplelicious,” thanks to an aggressive lavender lobby, is still on shelves).
All of this, of course, raises questions about which books are next to be banned. “Banned Book Club”? Perhaps, while it may be on the nose, no one ever accused the book banners of being subtle. “A Court of Thorns and Roses,” prequel to “Court of Mist and Fury”? Who ACTUALLY wants to read fairy fucking? “The Hunger Games”? No, wait — they banned that one already. Not “Catching Fire” though. Guess the Capitol’s actions in that book were more the current government’s style.
Despite the notable voracity and enthusiasm of whatever illiteracy committee is crossing title after title off a never-ending list, I would like to propose an addition.
“Fahrenheit 451.”
Is it an obvious choice? Yes. Is it likely going to be banned within the next few years? Also yes. However, I would like to speed up the process.
While reading “Fahrenheit 451,” my high school English class neared a coup d’etat (we did, in fact, orchestrate an uprising while reading “Brave New World.” However, that is another matter, and further down on my list). While “Fahrenheit 451” is a classic novel that does hold important themes and topics relevant to the modern world, it commits one simple sin. It is completely and utterly boring. The writing of the novel is dull, and the narration drags on. The main character is uninteresting, with no draw to a reader.
Why not watch a TV show instead, or take a peek at the recent Academy Award-winning films? There is no doubt they would be more entertaining. After all, it is not like “Fahrenheit 451” addresses mass media and the disinterest it fosters in traditional readings, alongside the expectations for citizens to watch television to distract themselves from their dismal lives.
And what of the scandalous and inappropriate topics the book covers? One of the novel’s characters dies by suicide as she sets herself ablaze to avoid turning over books to the proper authorities! It simply is not right to show children that it is okay to defy authority, and dying by suicide via fire? It is far too much gore for our young teenagers, and has absolutely no relevance to modern day life. A novel like this is unnecessary.
It is also a given that books which are so often assigned in schools should also be modern, and keep up with the times. “Fahrenheit 451” is not one of these! After all, there is no current censorship of educational information, literature, history or any other kind. So why would we need to read a novel about something like that? It only makes sense that there is no longer a use for it. Maybe we should take a hint from the titular problem of the novel and set it ablaze with the other banned books.
Given all of the above, and the main crime of simply being boring, I have made my case for why “Fahrenheit 451” should be added to the banned books list. Books have been banned for far less, of course. It would hardly be a stretch to ban a book just because we do not like it.
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