By Halcyon Orvendal
Gen z is killing old-fashioned dating with their extremist notions of socialization among young people. What ever happened to courtship? Here is a proper guide to dating like Jesus and the GOP intended!
Get off the apps!
Kids these days are so obsessed with their swiping and liking and hashtagging — never mind their Snapchatting! Stop trying to meet your future spouse (after all, is that not what dating is all about) on the Internet! Instead, be brave. Approach people in public (ladies, it is better to let yourself be approached, as no one likes a girl who is too brazen or easy) and be willing to hand over all of your personal contact information (including your address), and plan a meeting in person as soon as possible! Instagram DM’s are only for girls whose asses you want to snort cocaine off of (AKA, NOT wifey material).
Pick the Right kind of date
Now, before anyone panics, this has nothing to do with boys dating girls and vice versa! Of course, that would be the NORMAL way to do things, but hate the sin, love the sinner. No, as long as you pick a date of the appropriate socioeconomic, religious and political stature for you, then date whatever sex you please.
Avoid red flags
We cannot allow ourselves to be seduced by the wrong kind of person. Red flags include but are not limited to girls who do not wear bras (ladies wear bras, even while they do hand stuff in public at a theatrical performance) or have visible tattoos or facial piercings. Hair dye must be a natural color like platinum blonde. Shaggy haircuts (replace the “sh” with an f, if you get us) are an absolute nonstarter. Please note, if you think you can manipulate one of these girls out of her style and into some LoveShackFancy, then by all means, ignore this step.
Mind your manners
It is of the utmost importance that good manners are maintained when going on a date. Dressing in clean, appropriate clothing, maintaining good hygiene and having a grasp on the basics of etiquette (hold those doors open, every time) is a mark of not just good character but good breeding. You can tell a lot about a person who comes to the door to pick you up; boys, it is essential when you do this to charm whatever mother/father/roommate/pet greets you while you wait. After all, you still pick people up for dates, right? And of course, the asker should pay! The NORMAL way would have it be the boy, but until Lawrence v. Texas is overturned, we suppose we cannot stop you yet.
Lean into your energy
The brilliant mind behind Facebook (we obviously are okay with deadnaming) put it best — we need to combat the feminization of America. We need more masculine energy. If you cannot bring yourself to date the NORMAL way, then at least assign one person in your pair to be the boy, and one to be the girl. If you cannot decide who wears the pants in the relationship, then let your waiter at the next restaurant date decide for you. Please remember that this changes nothing about your sex assigned at conception.
Be honest
Republicanism is sexy again (Right? Please please please please please, there is more to our party than people who look like the Cheneys) so be honest about your politics! Do not waste time with some idiot liberal or clueless libertarian if you know you will never agree — remember people cannot grow, change or be reasoned with, and you should hate everyone across the aisle from you implicitly. See people for who they are, not who they could become.
Keep it PG
If you want this relationship to lead to a healthy covenant marriage like Mike Johnson’s, then you had better keep the heavy petting out of it (that would be oral and worse for all you disgusting hedonists). In fact, whatever young lady you take out on a date would ideally have been to many purity balls in her adolescent years, and any young man going on a date ought to still wear the chastity cage he locked himself away in the first time he popped a spontaneous boner in math class! Hand stuff, it should be said, is a gray area. There is no need to discuss liberal propagandic bullshit like safer sex practices and STD testing, because both of you should still be virgins.
Date until marriage
There is no possible other reason one would want to date, right? Therefore, once you have reached an acceptable stage to start going steady (four dates, three hand-holds of 5 minutes max apiece and one good night kiss no tongue in full view of a chaperone) you will remain committed until marriage. Hope you enjoyed being young while it lasted! Now go buy a house and make babies. Make America NORMAL again.
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