By Alex Nash
Black Licorice
Sorry to the Dutch, but if you like black licorice, we instantly know you are a certified freak. People who get off saying they like this black plastic bullshit are definitely lying to feel quirky or are into BDSM and probably have absurd safe words like “Dippin’ Dots” or “Kermit the Frog” and a collection of edible ropes.
Dots
Ah, Dots. For people who enjoy chewing rubber. You end up fingering your mouth longer than a solo DJ session, except minus the climax.
Necco Wafers
If you have ever wondered what it is like to eat communion wafers outside of church, Necco has got you covered. It is exactly like consuming the body of Christ, I suppose, but with zero spiritual redemption or nutritional value. Actually, I am not sure if these are even candies or just crushed-up Tums that found Jesus on their way to CVS. Either way, I feel like I should confess something after.
Candy Corn
These shit-ass nuggets of candle wax can absolutely fuck off. If I am desperate, I will still eat it … like an ex. It is a hate-eat. Is it good? No. Will I deepthroat it anyway? Absolutely. I am nothing if not a predictable mess with no self-control.
Tootsie Roll
Every year I am tricked into thinking Tootsie Rolls will taste like chocolate, and every year I am reminded that life is full of disappointment and is not a box of chocolates. Rather, these deceptive wannabe Milky Ways are fully the embodiment of lowered, rather than great, expectations. (Yes, that is a Charles Dickens joke. Those who know, know. I am doing my thesis on Dickens. I will advertise that I read all of Bleak House anywhere I can because she is thick). But of course I will still eat them, because sometimes Hard Times are the only thing you can count on.
Laugh at my English major puns. I demand it.
Edibles
You know those Facebook posts about finding drugs in your child’s Halloween candy? Yeah, bullshit. No one is wasting good edibles on your trick-or-treating, smell-my-feeting ass. But as an adult, let me tell you: visit a dispensary, and suddenly all of this candy will improve dramatically (sorry to anyone under 21. Maybe just stick to scouring your candy for razor blades like the good ol‘ days.)
Healthy shit
I am not even going to pretend I would be mad if someone gave me raisins while adult trick-or-treating. Like, yes, Cathy, give me all the organic, non-GMO snacks you got in that beige monstrosity you call a home. Groceries are expensive, and I have not seen a vegetable in days. Raisins might be the closest thing I get to a balanced diet since midterms. Honestly, throw in a protein bar, and I might propose.
Candy Buttons
Kids who like these are definitely into psychedelics now. If you eat these, I hope your journey has been good, man.
Wax Lips
The straight male foreplay of candy. By that I mean completely useless but fun because they look cute, even though you know there is no real satisfaction coming. Think of it as the equivalent of hooking up with the friend you have weird sexual tension with. It looks good for about five seconds but leaves you with nothing but regret and a weird taste in your mouth. But like, we all need attention sometimes, so do what you need to do, girl!
Nik-L-Nips
Seeded higher purely based on the name. To consume it, just squeeze the juice out like the sad, dehydrated adult you are, and sure, chew on the wax — just do not swallow *wink wink*
Jawbreakers
I will absolutely bring up Freud and judge you for having a dick sucking problem. Unresolved oral fixation, called out. You can pretend it is about the challenge, but we both know you are just working out some deep-seated issues, one hard candy at a time. Just do not use too much teeth.
Almond Joy
Almond Joy is for people who secretly enjoy being pissed off. The coconut shavings taste like that Bath & Body Works spray you used to drown yourself in after middle school gym class, back when you thought spraying it “down there” meant you were ready for sex. And do not even get me started on that puny, smug almond just sitting there like it has done something special. Infuriating. It has the literal passive-aggressive energy of someone who has been in therapy for years but still needs constant validation (love you, Mom).
Whoppers
Eating this candy feels like biting into styrofoam, which makes sense for those who like it since you probably ate glue as a child. I respect the grind, but keep that energy away from me.
Mike and Ike
Mike and Dyke? They are the original fruits, and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Better than Dots, solely for the built-in an opportunity to queerify them. They are here, they are fruity and they are surprisingly hard to chew. I really cannot hate that much, because that sounds like most of the Lewis & Clark population. Again, love ya.
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