Strap your nuts on, chucklefucks! This shit is about to get realer than those itchy balls you lot have been ignoring since that boy’s trip to Reno. Tonight, we stand before God, country and, if need be, the Portland Police Bureau. We do so without reservation, without fear, with beers in our hands and valor in our hearts, so you worthless, mutineering, shames-upon-your-family louts had better listen up!
We have one hell of a night ahead of us. Tonight, gentlemen, is that holiday we hold so dearly in our hearts — Halloween. Tonight, we drink, smoke, fight, gamble and fuck our way through every bar, club and party our feet can carry us to.
This day, to quote a great man, is a day that will live in infamy. Songs will be sung of our deeds and legends will be born! The mere fact that some may call these legends “criminal records” of “public intoxication” is irrelevant. We have been adequately-endowed by our creators with certain inalienable rights, however much some “bartender” might say that we have been “cut off” or that we are “too drunk.” Nonsense! It is Halloweekend. At no point do you stop drinking.
I look at you all around me and I see the faces of those who have what it takes to be victorious, to be unwavering in our pursuit of that which we hold dear, to stand firm in the face of the entire supply of fishnets in this goddamn city and to remain steadfast in pursuit of our destiny!
But one may ask, by what yardstick shall we measure ourselves? By what standard shall our glory be judged? The muses shall someday sing of the victories we achieve, such as getting hammered, winning a bar fight or successfully running from overly-testosteroned bouncers. However, such a list does not capture the breadth of success we seek. Gentlemen, our glories will not be hampered by such constraints, though if constrained we must be, let it be by rope or belt, as handcuff keys are too easily lost. No, our night will stand alone as a shining beacon, a clarion call to all those who seek to have a good fucking time.
There are, however, challenges to be met. Contingencies that must be prepared! Should one of us be so unlucky as to fall into the hands of those who wish to oppress us and kill our buzz, known to some as the “police,” the situation may turn dire.
Thankfully, there are those among us who, with a single trip to Spirit Halloween, have solved this issue. These “police” have let slip their guard, and mistakenly allowed their uniforms to fall into our hands! Should any of us end up taken by them, it shall be the others’ duties to embark upon a perilous journey of deception, walking into the lion’s den to ensure that no man is left behind.
Men, we find ourselves here tonight, at this pregame, with our lives in front of us. We stand at a crossroads, and it falls to us to carve our own path. A path of Jagerbombs, of weed, of a good drunk cig and of the bartender actually flirting back. A path devoid of Uber cleaning fees and getting cockblocked when your roommates come home. A path of success and of the creation of legends. For glory and honor!
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