By Emma Ford
This semester, we here at the college currently known as Lewis & Clark have dealt with a lot. We got COVID from freshmen. We took a hard stance on property damage. We went to some of our classes and did some of the readings, probably.
My fellow Seamen, I see you. I hear you. You scream outside my window and talk shit in the Bon without checking who is in line behind you. You are brave, and you deserve the world.
You do not, unfortunately, deserve more than four days off for Thanksgiving. I know it feels like you do, but that is simply your generational entitlement talking. Classes being held on Thanksgiving eve may feel criminal, but in the face of injustice you know what to do: Post on your Instagram story and generally be a huge dick about it.
But even that infallible coping mechanism is sometimes not enough. The tension builds, Seamen, and you need a release! I bring glad tidings that the perfect targets for your pent up aggression exist: your family. The highlight of the holiday season is, of course, doing irreparable damage to your relationships with your loved ones. Your LC friends will stop talking to you if they catch you drinking coffee with dairy, but as the saying goes, blood is thicker than oat milk. Use your family as your emotional punching bags because they cannot leave you.
To make the best use of limited time, here is The Backdoor’s guide to pissing off your family over Thanksgiving.
Please note: this guide is only for those of you who are not skipping any classes, those select few who value our education over additional opportunities to run into our exes at the grocery store. If you have more than four days at home, suck it up and be nice. Family is forever.
Day 1: Thursday
The first official day of break is Thanksgiving day. You will miss the busiest travel day of the year by flying home that morning, but you are still encouraged to take out your airport agitation on your parents as soon as they pick you up.
Make sure to have your mom meet you at departures because it has less traffic than arrivals. It will give her more time to address the visible hickey your half-assed turtleneck is doing nothing to conceal.
You are a broke college student who refuses to take advantage of their meal plan because it is an “ick.” It is therefore your imperative to raid the fridge in the middle of the afternoon while your family is trying to cook. Bonus points if this is after napping on the couch all morning and then using up half of the counter space for mashed potatoes. Do not even think about helping with dishes.
When the holiday dinner rolls around, pull focus. Provoke your relatives with buzzwords and start an argument about native rights even though you can not name a single tribe from your area. Make it about Israel! Remember: the key to activism is digging your heels in. Did you accidentally tweet “Free Pakistan” last week? No problem, no one noticed. You are informed because you feel like you are. Accuse your family of personally committing genocide. It is your birthright.
Day 2: Friday
Happy Black Friday! Engage your family in a stimulating discussion about consumerism and the myth of the American dream. When your mom makes a joke about not getting you any Christmas presents, backpedal. Hard. Remember: There is no ethical consumption under capitalism, and you are not going to judge HER for buying you that cute workout set from Amazon even if YOU, personally, could never support a mega-corporation like that.
Insist that you be brought to Costco to buy $300 worth of groceries. Try and pressure your dad into buying you vodka shooters (lucky you that in California they can be sold at grocery stores!) Stock up like a bear going into hibernation even though you only brought a carry-on. TSA is chill around the holidays, right?
Blast your sad girl autumn playlist late at night. Your family definitely understands the Rory Gilmore vellichor Lanacore vibes of being away from your situationship and responsibilities for such a long stretch!
Day 3: Saturday
Ensure at this point your childhood bedroom is completely trashed. Be resolute in your refusal to clean it, as you are on vacation. Promise to get to it over winter break, when you will use the same reasoning to put it off until summer. Rinse, repeat and deal with it when your prefrontal cortex finishes developing.
But you are an adult now, and you live on your own (with three other people in a converted Copeland lounge, but still), so the rules have changed. It is now acceptable to get caught polishing off the half-dead Elf Bar you hid under your bed at the end of summer. It is not, however, acceptable to get caught using the sex toy you shoplifted from Walmart. Manners.
Get drunk with your high school friends. When you come home, assert your dominance by making a quesadilla and watching TikToks with no headphones on, even if it is well past midnight. Your parents will find it as endearing and “that girl” as your resident advisor does.
Day 4: Sunday
On your final day with your family, avoid quality time by any means physically and mentally possible.
Remember that all physical activities are body-shaming you. During any proposed movie you have a migraine. You are really just not in the headspace for that board game right now. As a potential IA major, Risk is triggering. And after your breakup with the Econ boy, Monopoly is too painful.
When it comes time, bid them goodbye and get ready to do it all again over winter break.
Happy Thanksgiving, you ungrateful pieces of shit.
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