Illustration by Maya Winshell
What or who is PooAnon? You have probably asked yourself this question a few times these past few weeks as Lewis & Clark has fallen into disarray over this ludicrous conspiracy. PooAnon is a person or group that spreads poop conspiracy theories through the use of posters and posts on famous internet website Poop Chan. The posts and posters mostly accuse LC’s upper management of worshipping some sort of poop Satan. The first poster popped up around the time when covid restrictions were loosened allowing students to travel between dorms that they did not live in. This mysterious riddle appeared on a piece of paper attached to one of the walls of Templeton, written in what is currently thought to be feces. The owner of said feces is unknown, but it is currently being investigated by scarily eager campus safety officers.
The contents of the message described a dark truth, one that could change LC students’ entire perception of the school. According to the poster, the reason that you could not poop in other dorms was not due to sewage testing, but instead due to the administration categorizing and selling student’s poop on an app called Poopfair. The poop collected by high-level administrators and their squad of almost microscopic gnome men named “Stool Team 6” is categorized by dorm because certain people just have more valuable poop than others.
Some dorms have better health habits that lead to higher quality poop. Every year, the main dorm that ranks the lowest for poop pricing is Manzanita. The toxicology reports coming from Manzi are damning. The most expensive poops are ones where the creator of the stool experiences something called “poo-phoria,” when you experience a rush of pleasure after excreting waste. The reason why this is more expensive is because the poop created from this pleasure high contains tiny particles in it that make it easier to create the alternative medicine Scatterall, which supposedly improves focus.
An evil shadow council called the Illuminpoopy runs the college … and you know what? I am not writing this anymore. I just cannot do it. I wanted to be a journalist, I did not want to write about stuff that just does not matter like “PooAnon” and how Maggie’s coffee is sometimes a bit too hot. Did you know that I want to be a teacher? When I am applying for jobs I am going to have to explain to hiring agents why “PooAnon” is on the list of articles that I wrote. How am I going to look my future boss in the face and say that yes, I did in fact combine the words Adderall and scat as a bit, and that I, with my God given hands, typed out “Poop Chan.” You know what, I am not going to write anymore, they cannot make me —
-pooanon Has been terrorizing campus for weeks, to the dEtriment of aLl community members. looking back at the situation, it is easy to become Paranoid and maybe even start to believe the horrid dark secrets that are shared here. however, it is iMportant to note that pooanon is not to be takEn seriously.
The Pioneer Log editing team is not holding me hostage, everything is fine. Do not check in on me.
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