By Kate Schirmer
Terror across the USA! One woman’s Machiavellian streak takes the youth of America under a rapturous and depraved spell! Journalists from the Backdoor report on this pressing issue.
May 8th 2026 — Raven House-Solomon begins her annual cross-country journey. There is a calling in her strange and twisted soul: a primal urge to head south, like the monarch butterfly. Presumably, she heads into the southern territory known colloquially as “Mexico” — similar to Tex-Mex, but without the Tex. Few alive know what is down in that vast, desolate landscape — most likely an ice wall.
It is nearly impossible to track her movements. No amount of systematic AI prompting can pinpoint her location. Her rebellious influence spreads at breakneck speed, targeting this nation’s youth. Previously an issue isolated to the small liberal arts college, Lewis & Clark, Raven House-Solomon’s influence has led to social outcasts across America falling into the clutches of the dangerous motorcycle gang: RHS. Headed by Raven House-Solomon herself, the RHS hellions can be observed riding their hogs and choppers on newly paved taxpayer streets.
The Backdoor’s own cryptanalyst, Markus Mingus, weighs in on the discombobulating question of what exactly RHS is.
“R, H and S. These are all letters in the alphabet. You know the song A, B, C, D …” Mingus said. “Well they could mean anything in this case. It takes a real professional to decode these kinds of things.”
In an exclusive interview, Mingus reveals his detailed hypothesis on the group’s title to the Backdoor.
“Rampaging Husbands of Satan,” Mingus suggests. This interpretation subtly hints at the idea that Satan is gay (and possibly female), with members of RHM being her homosexual concubines.
Another theory transcends cultures, in which Mingus is a leading expert.
“It could very well be Chinese,” Mingus posits, biting his thin, pale lip. “Rabbit. Horse. Snake. Famous animals in the Chinese lunar zodiac. The rabbit eats the horse and then the snake, then it becomes a river. Lewis & Clark College is located next to several rivers.”
Connections and coincidences like these can become damning evidence for seasoned cryptanalysts.
As affiliations with the RHS gang increase, so has demand for cool chrome rides. RHS members have been seen attempting to source hogs despite their abysmally average financial states. According to this month’s Meta sales statistics, RHS have decimated the supply of used motorcycles on Facebook Marketplace. Economists have been thrown into a frenzy as this sudden demand creates a serious shortage of motor resources for middle-aged men in crisis after discovering their Norwood stage 4 hairline. Many penniless members of RHS opt for a more affordable option. They may be harder to spot, as instead of motorcycles they imitate the gentleman’s sport of hobby horsing. Riding around with brooms, planks and other long poles between their legs, these hooligans mock the once well-respected sport of hobby horse racing. Do not be fooled by the lack of metal, these are still violent, unpredictable delinquents dedicated to a life of anarchy.
Boots on the ground journalist Ed Hardknee reports live, hot on the tale of Raven House-Solomon as she journeys back to LC. RHS is not to be confused with Lewis & Clark’s other dangerous street gang, RHMS. According to insider sources, the M stands for Manfly, or possible Mort: the titular villain from Madagascar 3.
Seen tearing down Route 50 at a blistering 65 miles per hour, Hardknee describes the terrifying image of Raven House-Solomon. “She parks between the lines. She did not have to park between those lines because of some law. She did it because she wanted to.”
Tall — she has the look of a school principal, authoritative, deceptively ordinary. Despite the oppressive heat, her business casual blazer paired with a crisp button down remains impeccable. As an RHS gang member would say: her tasteful hoops were “on fleek.”
Approaching Raven House-Solomon outside of a gas station in Chimeyo, Ed Hardknee posed as an eager recruit to get close to this powerhouse of a woman. As a young man of 53, he easily passed for the 18-24 year olds RHS targets. Despite this, Raven House-Solomon declined to speak with him.
With Raven House-Solomon centralized to the Portland area for the foreseeable future, the rest of the nation may exhale. Non-Oregonian states may be safe for now, but nobody can afford to let down their guard. Many questions are still left unanswered. What does RHS really stand for? Why are the young adults of our nation so enamored by her? The chilling grip RHS has over the West has yet to fade. If you see any suspicious activity — such as gender ambiguous individuals in leather trotting around on a toy horse — please report to our tip line at 1-800-babesonwheels.
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