Empress Middleton/The Mossy Log
The following are a series of field notes obtained from one of The Backdoor’s news reporters. We hope to offer a behind-the-scenes look at how our award-winning journalism comes to be.
JAN. 26
Picked up news pitch. Supposed to “cover ASB.” Pitch vague, wordy. Editors rude. Troom dinner after meeting made tummy hurt, but started thinking about article. Excited to show journalistic prowess, get my hands dirty, etc. Will help my EIC prospects for next year. $20 nice as well. $26 with photo. Will go toward septum piercing: white gold, massive spikes, to evoke clean-girl Kurt Cobain.
JAN. 30
No progress yet. Busy catching up after slacking during syllabus week. Lots of grading policies to memorize, very important stuff. Article deadline far away, not worried. Chanse from Numbers joined my ELI class. Very sexy wallet chain. Drake T-shirt, hopefully ironic. 5’8” but workable. Sat one row behind me, likely already obsessed.
FEB. 2
Googled “ASB.” Turns out stands for Associated Student Body. Was planning to double-dip with ELI networking assignment when I thought it was American Society of Banking. Will look on LinkedIn, I guess.
FEB. 9
Took massive bong rip post-ELI. Deserved. Watched new “Bridgerton” episodes, got thinking about aristocracy, societal structure, Regency-era necklines, that kind of thing. Thought of angle for story. Dissection of postmodern community governance. Democracy as performance, etc etc. Echo chambers and the American landscape, etc. etc. Very promising stuff.
FEB. 10
Fell asleep face-down in notebook. Reviewed yesterday’s epiphany. Turns out, incomprehensible. Back to drawing board. First, have 300-word ELI discussion post overdue. Wanted to finish yesterday, but exhausting even to think about it. Thought about texting Chanse, too nervous. Should wear my good bra tomorrow.
FEB. 11
Super Bowl party!!! Made bean dip, it KILLED! Chanse said it was “well-seasoned” and “bean-y,” almost creamed in Hu Media Lounge. Got me thinking — where is funding for televisions coming from? Corruption angle? Student government-controlled media? Lots to think about, but much too tired. Plus, getting spins.
FEB. 12
Vomited in hallway outside Bon. Just wanted plain toast. Bad idea. Tried making it to single-stalls, but too slow. No one saw, so just left it. Too hungover for article work. Will try watching “Succession.” Chanse said very insightful, commentary on wealth inequality. Mom kicked me off HBO Max, will see if soap.2day is back up.
FEB. 13
Kendall Roy sexy, but show hard to follow. Will try one more episode before giving up. Could watch without looking at phone, but helps manage ADHD.
FEB. 14
Went to Tamarack for Garden Salsa Sun Chips. Stoned to hell. Lights dim, “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” playing on TV. Scared that omen for future, hope not me. On walk back to Pondo, checked Chanse’s upper Spruce window. Rumors are true: GORP-y new girlfriend with septum, Patagonia fleece. Ran back to room. Devastated. Bought on-sale vibrator, cried.
FEB. 15
Just occurred to me: ASB are LC students. Sex scandal likely. No evidence, but vibes strong. Will go undercover on Hinge, Bumble, Tinder. Grindr if necessary. Chanse will rue the day he tried my bean dip.
FEB. 17
Made profile as bait for subjects. Listed interests in students, government, student government, hiking. Pictures cute, not too sexy. One sex-ish, but mostly professional. Found two senators and director of allocations. Hoping for match, hope not too chopped. Journalism is dirty work. Article due end of month.
FEB. 23
Editors asked for update on progress. Fuck! Said I set up interviews for this week. Total lie. Would schedule soon, but depressed. Told editors about parents’ divorce affecting my mental health, no reason they could know it was four years ago. Told me to keep them updated. Fuck!!! Said no promises and winked. They did not laugh. Promised for real. Now fucked.
FEB. 25
GOT A MATCH!! Date with senior senator tomorrow night. 23 years old, looks like smells like burnt vape and mildew. 4/10. Workable. Neither of us have car, will walk to Tokyroll if not raining. Will wear wire, get him talking, etc. etc. Show interest without arousing suspicion etc. etc. Need something to show editors by Friday.
FEB. 27
Lost virginity. Big mistake. Only three minutes but itchy now. Health Center closed until Monday. Will endure. Source was useless — has not gone to meeting in months, said he ran as joke and then forgot. Still getting paid $100/week, but thought allowance from parents. Dead end. Must find excuse to flake on his Coop show tomorrow night. Trying not to say electric bass not cool because no need to burn bridge.
FEB. 28
Itching getting worse. Editor emailed asking for updates. Thought I had until end of month, then realized not a leap year. Fuck! Messaged back saying interview scheduled for tomorrow. Took epic bong rip and watched new “Bridgerton” episodes. Considered going to Coop show but too tired to put on liquid eyeliner. Stalked Chanse on Insta, saw still with GORP-y girlfriend. Snorted Xanax, turned out Aspirin. Xanax guy dead to me.
MARCH 1
Asked editor to push to Issue 4. Reminded about parents’ divorce, mentioned rigorous 200-level ELI class. Leaned into the mental health stuff, seasonal depression, Bon food, etc. Seemed convincing. Journalism stuff very difficult, though I make it look easy. Not for faint of heart. Still need to schedule interview, but too depressed.
MARCH 11
So fucked!!! Health Center gave cream, bag of salt for itching. Starting to feel better but super red. Need to get back on apps. Will do anything for interview. Downloaded Grindr and set self as Otter. Hoping for school spirit points. Will take ANYTHING. Heard from roommate that ASB election opened today. Felt new wave of passion for journalism, but edible hit.
MARCH 18
Voting closed. Meant to vote but forgot. Voter fraud angle? Getting desperate, no leads on Grindr. Tried to get quotes in J.R. Howard hallway but felt anxious and had to stop. Did breathing exercise in second floor bathroom, helped a little. Editor approached (said recognized my very cool black Vans). Asked if article coming in today, said needs to go on page. Faked being late for meeting and ran to third floor. Hid in bathroom there. Emailed EIC, begged for extension, threatened suicide. Left lots of compliments: Respect your leadership, appreciate all your hard work, really look up to you as a writer and woman, etc. etc. Prayed for first time since parents’ divorce.
MARCH 20
Article pushed to Issue 5. Will definitely be done by then.
Plagiarized from “I Cover Carter” by George W.S. Trow, published July 18, 1977 in The New Yorker.
About the Author
