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In the lead-up to Halloween, Lewis & Clark has launched the new Bon Appétit Fresh and Fun Initiative in order to promote health and wellness this spooky season. As part of the plan, the administration is handing out low-fat apple slices and shriveled up little baby carrots to trick-or-treaters at the Frank Manor House. The implementation of this program has stirred controversy in the community.
Just yesterday, members of Students Working to Eliminate Everything That Sucks (SWEETS) undertook a forceful occupation of the Manor House to protest the administration. The group set up a sizable encampment surrounding the entrance to the Manor House with a surprising array of decorations — toilet paper, that giant skeleton from Costco and a decapitated Jim Proctor dummy. Cardboard signs were spray painted with slogans like “NO REESE’S NO PEACE” and “STOP FRUITIFICATION OF FUN.” Some of their acts of protest have included spraying silly string on the facade of the house, representing their hopes for Nerd Ropes, and shoving candy wrappers in between the cobblestones on the driveway to demonstrate how deep their need for candy goes.
As tensions continued to escalate, we at The Backdoor went directly into the conflict zone to report on the clashes between the two groups. In an effort to remain impartial and maintain our ever-dwindling funding, we present opinions from both sides.
SWEETS’ demands include a delivery of king-sized candy bars, and Halloween-themed cookies, as well as the introduction of a Skeletal Appreciation Week in October.
“The contributions of skeletons to our community and culture have long gone unsung,” said Shugar Kubee, the snacks coordinator for SWEETS. “From edgy sweatshirt designs to biology classroom shenanigans, we rely on these vital figures to situate ourselves in this time and space. We will not rest or eat any produce until our demands are met.”
The administration’s statements on these protest actions have been less than positive.
In an Oct. 22 email to the community, they wrote that “Halloween is not about indulgence. It’s about community and reflective autumnal gratitude.”
Upon arriving at the encampment, we encountered a trick-or-treater hanging from a lamppost wearing some sort of plaster costume painted gray. This masked protester referred to themself only as “The Gargler.” When asked why they joined the SWEETS movement, they replied that it “seemed like a cool gig” and that they “needed the volunteer hours.”
Despite preferring to interview a maximum of one source per article, we begrudgingly ventured deeper into the fray to find someone willing to give an actual opinion on the record. We encountered another figure at the entryway of the house who was dressed in a performative male costume: a mask of Timothée Chalamet, a Trader Joe’s pickle tote, wired earbuds and a 64-ounce iced matcha latte.
“I’m so sick of all this health nonsense, especially from this administration,” said the protester, who wished to remain anonymous, unfortunately. “I want candy bars, real candy bars. The courtyard is now a liberated zone of sweetness and trickery. Yummy yum yum in my tummy tum tum.” Inspiring stuff.
While in the entrance of the Frank Manor House, a fight broke out between an administrator and a student. We overheard the words “trashy otter costume” and “should be grateful for apple slices” said in harsh and unproductive tones, but no physical blows were ever exchanged. Both parties refused to give their names or comment on the situation.
One administrator, Penn Cylpushir, gave some remarks from his hiding place behind the admissions desk.
“The Lewis & Clark administration values student engagement deeply, but we encourage dialogue only in designated snack zones,” Cylpushir said.
He continued to say that he thought the seminar series “Mindful Munching” with Professor Bartholomew Crunch had solved this problem, but that the student body had gotten “out of hand” and that there were too many “rowdy candy hounds” to control the problem.
In an impassioned response, one ghoulish figure shouted, “There is no ethical consumption under 100 calories! Death to dietary tyranny!”
These strong statements were accompanied by the deafening sound of them stomping on apples before smearing chocolate around their mouth.
As of this writing, the college has put forth a final announcement: “The administration is listening. That’s why we’ve created a Halloween Treat Equity Task Force to encourage peaceful dialogue between students and staff. And as part of this compromise, we will be offering TWO mini Twix bars to each student who joins the introductory listening circle. Thank you.”
We will continue to provide coverage on this story as it develops if we feel like it. Let us know your thoughts, and be sure to stuff your faces absolutely full of candy this Halloween. Long live the resistance!
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