Dear Board of Trustees,
We write to you today concerning the dismal financial fate of our institution. Much like Forever 21, the College displayed strong cultural relevance in the ’90s but has been peetering out ever since. The straits have become dire. Below, we offer a variety of potential remedies to address the ever-worsening financial crisis at hand.
I. Student life
a) Downscale academic symposia. Though the College takes great pride in these annual celebrations of knowledge and scholarship, the poster budget alone is exorbitant and must be addressed.
b) To reduce the cost of student organizations, the College should consolidate clubs so that they may benefit from one another’s indispensable expertise. Proposed options include Serious Palatine Hill Student Voters Society (Serious Club, Palatine Hill Review, Palatine Hill Student Voters Club, Gaming Society) and Students Engaged in Feminist-Trout-Mariachi Pugilism on Campus (it should be clear).
c) The Bon should be scrapped entirely, replaced with Pepsi-brand vending machines and a selection of military-grade Meals Ready to Eat (vegan options available upon request). The current cost of student meal plans will remain unchanged despite the menu shift.
d) We should no longer tolerate the 83-year stain the so-called “Mossy Log” has left on the Lewis & Clark community by draining precious resources. This abhorrent periodical should be expediently sold to The Daily Wire and shift toward AI-generated comic-strip-based journalism, as is the way of the future.
e) The Associated Student Body should sell student government bonds with pricing based on a sliding scale. It is worth noting that the debate over what qualifies as “sufficient financial hardship” for bondholders is likely to send the government into indefinite and catastrophic shutdown.
II. Academics
a) To alleviate the overwhelming stress on the academic budget, the Board should explore the option of eliminating nonessential programs, like physics and international affairs. The Olin facilities can be repurposed as a rent-out warehouse for BOILER ROOM-type DJ sets in the hopes of cultivating a hot new The Dare.
b) In an effort to equitably address the high-priority issue of professors’ compensation, it is our recommendation that the faculty compete in an obstacle course à la American Ninja Warrior. The bottom 50% of competitors should then be provided with glowing letters of recommendation to aid in their pursuit of alternative employment opportunities. No severance pay will be offered.
c) Remaining faculty will be expected to teach 11 courses per academic year (split 6/5 or 9/2 between semesters, at their discretion). To emphasize the liberal arts ethos of the College, these courses must include at least three distinct disciplines between them. Spent a decade getting your Ph.D. in Victorian printmaking and literature? Hope you paid attention in your high school chemistry classes, because you have a 120-student section at 9:10 a.m..
III. Facilities and Operations
a) To better capitalize on our state-of-the-art facilities, the Watzek computer lab should bar student access entirely in favor of a rent-by-the-hour system geared towards promising AI startups, e.g. SPLO.ot, jeanz, Meta.
b) Additionally, the nighttime closure of Watzek presents an opportunity for alternative space usage. After closing its doors to students at 5 p.m. daily, the library atrium could be converted into a kick-ass McMenamins including a quirky draft-IPA bar and a limited screening movie theater.
c) Though we acknowledge and appreciate the difficult work of the administrators populating the Frank Manor House, such as the Director of Managerial Relations and Assistant to the Vice Head of Archival Consulting, the industry standard amenities for such positions consist of a fold-out chair and carcinogenic fluorescent lighting. At present, the historic M. Lloyd Frank Estate would be much better utilized if converted into a chic bed-and-breakfast primarily hosting students on admissions visits to Reed College.
d) The bus formerly known as the Pio Express also presents a potential revenue stream. We propose that the College embrace the growing gig economy and reimagine the bus as a premium Grubhub delivery service, with capacity fit to cater the 2036 Portland Summer Olympics or a midsize bar mitzvah.
We sincerely hope you will take our propositions into account as you undertake the difficult task of salvaging what remains of the College’s assets. We put a great deal of effort into preparing this report, as well as a large sum of prescription-grade stimulants and hope this proposal alleviates some of the pressure of your undertaking. Thank you for your consideration.
Yours reverently,
Anonymous Copelander
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