By Alex Nash
The Mossy Log Staff, and in particular, the seniors, would like to take this time to hear themselves talk, and wish you all well for your upcoming summer activities.
Lilah Bandouveris
This summer, I am gearing up to jump right back into the situationship I spent all year crying about! Yolo.
Olivia Fendrich
I will be working at a summer camp on the East Coast, so I expect a whirlwind few months of sexy summer flings and being really good at my job. Even though I was a counselor last summer and struggled to refrain from saying the c-word around my campers every day, this summer I refuse to make a single mistake. I will be the best lesbian camp counselor this country has ever seen — watch out Demi Lovato.
Paige Anderson
The Mossy Log will have to start printing 11 page issues now that I am graduating. I will be abusing my remaining staff stipend this summer, squandering my one week of freedom before my big girl job — ideally topless on someone’s boat. As the queen of the Irish Goodbye, it is only fitting that I vanish after layout dinner, this time for good.
Emma Ambroziak
I am thrilled to announce that I will be spending my summer suffocating beneath the financial weight of student loan debt and three cartons of eggs. On a more positive note, and to the dismay of my Republican family members, I will be staying at least another year in Portland. Call it what you may — a city in decline, a blue-haired, liberal-riddled town — but truthfully, I quite like it here in Portlandia.
I cannot wait to dodge questions at graduation about whether or not my liberal arts education will yield well-paid job prospects in the next few months. This summer I will be mourning American democracy, frequenting nude beaches and connecting with local PNW polycules. Despite my fondness for this city, I refuse to conform to the masses and will not be getting a mullet or investing in reuseable toilet paper anytime soon.
Will Trunzo
What can I say, it has been a hell of a ride. As I finally pull out of LC’s Backdoor, know that I have a bright future of unemployment and debt ahead of me. To my fellow editors that remain, you better let me write for April Fools’ next year. For the rest of you seniors, I leave you some parting advice for the job search in the (above/below/adjacent) article. For the rest of you, just try not to burn the place down, alright?
Ella Dunn
I will be spending my summer slaving away as a cog in the capitalist death-machine. After receiving rejection emails from every single internship and job I applied for, I will return to my position of “lowly restaurant worker,” where I will receive minimum wage and be forced to work on major holidays. I will be on I “gym grind” as well, and will hopefully have time to enjoy the little things in life in I free time: good books, time with family and throwing away hundreds of dollars per month thrift and antique shopping.
Kai McAlpin Godsey
How about this for a summer plan? Since I was unfortunately rejected from the Papal Education summer program at Vatican City, I am looking forward to matriculating at my second choice: the University of Pennsylvania’s superb Healthcare Ethics and 3D Printing program! Go Quakers!
Cas Priadka
As the semester comes to an end, I am frantically looking for summer jobs. I thought I would take this opportunity to advertise myself to potential employers. I have experience as a lemonade stand attendant, mafia executive and a NASA aerospace engineer (I will require a mid-6-figure salary). If you are a silver fox over 40 who needs a live-in nanny, chef or maid, please contact me ASAP.
Molly Robinson
As a faculty member, summers are my north star, the apple of my eye, my raison d’être. This summer, I will continue to practice and hone the skill I have been developing for all 24 of my faculty summers so far: I will make ambitious plans to accomplish the research, course planning and leisure I cannot manage during the semester, and then do only the leisure part, but feel guilty about it. It is a complex set of tasks, but I must say I am getting quite good at it.
If time and energy remain, I will also attempt to set up a process by which my email automatically detects any new requests to serve on summer committees and uses AI to generate a polite yet undeniable excuse for saying “no.” Then, the program archives the entire thread so I never have to know of it. Who knows? If it works, maybe I can even monetize it as a side hustle to make up for not getting a COLA adjustment this year.
Scarlett Robinson
I will be sacrificing my sanity by living with my 80-year-old-grandma, who owns an extensive doll collection — some of which move in the night. Luckily for her, she is deaf enough that she does not hear the eerie cackling of the clown one. But at least she has a pool!
Emma Ford
After observing a 69-day mandatory mourning period for my beloved Backdoor, I will be continuing my comedy-writing pursuits by emailing jokes to anyone who will listen, like a classic television show that jumped the shark a few seasons ago.
About the Author
MY POOKIESSSSSS, I SHALL MISS YOU ALL