By Vivian Kalla
Dear President Sparrow Houses-Gilbert,
Regarding DOPE’s request for my weekly achievements, I will graciously acquiesce to your threat of academic suspension and removal from the crew team and share my top five with you. It is our responsibility and privilege as Lewis & Clark students to be as productive as we can be, and I firmly believe this will improve student life on campus. Please note, any dripping sarcasm legible through Gmail or Outlook, whatever you use, is simply a byproduct of the AI email assistant I employ. You know, for productivity.
Starting the week off strong, I snoozed my alarm 57 times today before army crawling across my dorm to sip on my week-old Revel Berry Yerb to gain enough energy to throw my hair in the messiest bun this campus has ever seen and head to my gender studies capstone. I served serious cunt in my pajamas and Starface pimple patches. Bitches wish they were me.
To celebrate getting a 69 on my paper, I decided to take a stroll to my fav smoke spot on campus to try and find a cig or joint to bum. God must have been in a good mood, for she smiled down upon me and I found ¾ of a blunt on the ground in pristine condition. #myonlycanoesareonthewillamette #blazeit #blessed
I caught a serious case of the Bon shits after and devouring too much raw chicken during alfredo night. Please note that I carefully observed the exact gram weight required to achieve this physical outcome, so as not to overburden resources or commit meal-swipe fraud. After all, I had to ensure I rectified the effects of munchies from the insane blunt find earlier that day. Why have you forsaken me God?! However, you cannot find my waist anymore, which is always a win (body positivity went out with the last president). I am getting that bikini bod ready via violent food-poisoning diarrhea.
My productivity continued inside the classroom, a true win for any LC student — I got tons of work done at my part-time job, Papa’s Freezeria. Who knew needing to retake CORE could be so fun? And it does not count as being a drain on resources as I might finally get to take the Numbers class with “bullshit” in the title. Sadly, Papa is a little behind on my pay, which is impacting my ability to buy sweet treats. My Venmo is linked below if you want to help a girl out.
Finally, my single greatest achievement of all: I vague-posted about my ex-situationship on YikYak and submitted a strongly worded Missed Connection. You know who you are, and fuck you for ghosting me. Respond to my Snap, and also my goddamn Moodle discussion post for Anthro 102.
I hope this detailed list of major accomplishments offers the insight into the lives of students that you hoped for. This was fun, but I really do not want to do this again. Please hesitate to let me know if you have any questions.
Cordially,
Vivian Kalla
#1 victim of the Bon shits
Overworked, underpaid Papa’s
Freezeria employee
Venmo: @viviankalla 😉
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