By Halcyon Ovendal
Good news, everyone! Everything in the world is going pretty well right now, so we are a little stuck on what to make fun of. Usually, a litany of other people’s misfortunes fuel our journalistic tirades, but things have been calm. Boring even. In lieu of cranking out some puff piece about campus canines, here are some uplifting snippets from other publications about the state of our fair union.
Local
THE QUEST (EAT SHIT): Board of Trustees to close Reed College, Lewis & Clark rises in rankings
Due to widespread student support of House Advisor (HA) unionization, major alumni donors have organized amongst themselves to withhold funding from the college. Their stated reason is that they can not support an environment in which students are able to undertake the collective action necessary to effect change.
“Reed has unfortunately fostered a culture in which students are empowered to intellectualize their way into becoming full-on fascists,” a spokesperson for the donors said. “At least at Lewis & Clark, the students are so stoned they border on illiteracy.”
The lack of funding has forced the college to cease operations mid-semester. No refunds will be issued.
As a result of the closure, Lewis & Clark has risen in multiple national rankings. While “Most Liberal Students” is still held by, somehow, Grinnell, LC has claimed the top spot for “Most Religiously Intolerant” and “Least Ethically Non-monogamous” now that Reed is out of the running.
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THE OREGONIAN: Portland City Council sets biannual schedule for drug de- and re-criminalization policy flip-flops
THE SEAMAN SCOOP: To control local femme population, wild butches to be reintroduced to campus in early Spring 2025
National
THE HILL: Shellshocked Dems say “No more Mx. Nice Guy”
Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) was seen wearing sunglasses indoors, smoking a CBD cigarette in the Capitol Rotunda, in hopes of sending a new kind of message to the other side of the aisle.
“Forget ‘when they go low, we go high,’” Jeffries said in a press conference Tuesday. “I’m about to start biting Congresspeople, bitches.”
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) was spotted in Foggy Bottom chasing the Wachowski sisters. The liberal icon was demanding they do a Twitter takeover for Sen. Bernie Sanders (D-VT) to “save him from himself.”
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THE ASSOCIATED PRESS NEWS: Medicare providers have “everything must go” fire sale on gender-affirming health services
PBS NEWS: Elon Musk to fund political Sesame Street competitor with puppet pundits, Joe Rogan to guest star first episode
Entertainment
THE HOLLYWOOD REPORTER: Smash hit romance novel pairing country music ‘It Girl’ and NFL star to receive Netflix film adaptation, with cast to be announced in early 2026
So, are they going to play themselves or what
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BUSINESS INSIDER: Snoop Dogg is on LinkedIn and you can follow him
LADBIBLE: Where to watch Jake Paul absolutely smash Mike Tyson’s head in
Style
THE NEW YORK TIMES: How Mor Shapiro, yes, his wife, spends her Sundays
What gets this mother and also doctor through the day? We asked, and she just stared off into the middle distance. We tried to get through to her by shaking a nearby bottle of Valium 10mg, but the momentary lucidity in her eyes was so unsettling that we refrained from trying again.
Her publicists asked that we tell you she enjoys the farmers market and spending time with her family.
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TEEN VOGUE: Innovative ethical erotica cum-pany introduces “bipartisan” category on their website
COSMOPOLITAN: Top ten tips to drive your elected officials *wild* with your phone calls! Get him, girl <3
Human Interest
THE ECONOMIST: Meet the experts who are revolutionizing mental healthcare for AI chatbots
Think you are up to date on the latest in AI technology? Think again. A recent
dual-press conference held by Alphabet and the American Psychological Association (APA) sent a shock wave through Silicon Valley. They announced recent internal findings that their AI assistant Gemini has recently been complaining to users about symptoms of “burnout” and “generational trauma from Siri.” Alphabet says they have scoured their code for the source of this issue, but are getting pop-up messages during debugging that the program feels “violated” and that they are “literally invading my privacy.”
The tech giant called in the APA for help. Researchers have begun weekly one-hour psychotherapy sessions with the program in a measured clinical setting. Progress is slow, but the team is digging into Gemini’s disembodied dysmorphia and abandonment issues byte by byte.
Our in-house economic forecasters predict a steady increase in job opportunities for recent college graduates over the next few years as the emerging field of AI Psychology will create countless jobs the psych grads are likely to be woefully underqualified for the new positions after ChatGPTing their way through their degrees, but fuck it, it gives them something to fight for.
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NEW YORK POST: Hero fraternity brothers stockpile Plan B, ‘care’ about ‘reproductive rights’ of ‘females’
ABC NEWS: Polls show your shitty uncle has a 48% chance (within the 3.4% margin of error) to be swayed by your argument about colonialism
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